Drew Goins (whose bracket got pretty upset) and Kelsey Weekman (who’s just upset in general) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.” Results may vary.
You: How do I save face with my busted bracket?
YAFI: Going into the Big Dance, nobody expected Wichita State to topple Kansas or N.C. State to dominate any seed other than sunflower.
You’re in good company with everyone else who ever filled out any bracket ever. As a matter of fact, usage of the word “busted” on social media increases by 414 percent during March, probably.
The probability of picking a perfect bracket is 1 in 9.2 quintillion — still better than the odds of any bar staying in the spot between CHUG and Bub O’Malley’s for more than a year, but slim nonetheless.
Here’s our guaranteed method for next year, though: Pick UNC all the way to end. For every other game, scribble what could feasibly be either team’s name in the blank. Or just talk to that octopus who predicted World Cup games. He probably knows what’s up.
You: How do I get Chancellor Folt to become my best friend?
YAFI: Carol Folt is a priceless gem — a pocket-sized pioneer of Carolina blue fashion and the undisputed selfie queen.
Remember that time she got a speeding ticket for going 20 over? The “Fast and Furious: Pittsboro Drift” incident proved that the woman is four feet of miniature momentum.
The best way to reach out to our most meme-able chancellor is to take to the internet. Do your research. Did you know she has a bachelor’s degree in aquatic biology?
Use that information to your advantage. Slip a stuffed dolphin into a friendship proposal gift basket. If Noah can write 365 letters for Allie and Dance Marathoners can stand 24 hours FTK, you can find a way to bust into South Building and present your platonic love offering.
Maintain any sparks of friendship by not tweeting at her when she doesn’t cancel class. The woman doesn’t get paid half a mil every year to put up with your foolishness.
We friendship-ship ourselves with Carol harder than we ship Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence or Joe Biden and Condoleezza Rice.
Here’s hoping Carol will finally notice us. Until then, we’ll be admiring her from afar and ordering Carol Folt throw pillows. Oh yeah, they’re real. Google it.