The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Thursday June 1st

You Asked for It: In which we cram for finals and look for a subletter (please?)

FRANK Rubbish to Runway Trashion Show

Drew Goins (critically acclaimed writer of The Daily Tar Heel’s legendary 2014 RoboCop review) and Kelsey Weekman (serious journalist) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.” Results may vary.

You: I’m over 400 pages behind in reading for my classes. How do I catch up?

YAFI: The deadline to drop the class was in March, and the deadline to paper-class it was 2011, so get to work.

Look for motivation all around you. If Hillary (Clinton) can overcome the haters to enter another presidential race, and Hilary (Duff) can overcome irrelevance to release a new album, you can read seven articles on the balance of power theory.

Visualize yourself as a strong person who can accomplish all of this work, like Cersei Lannister with better decision-making tendencies or Shailene Woodley at the MTV Music Awards.

Try accomplishing all school-related tasks in a 25-second montage set to a Hall & Oates song. You’ll be a winner just like the hot guy who won the jacket in that sports thing the other day.

Drake kissed an ageless warlock but still couldn’t save Coachella, and Rae Sremmurd’s contractual request for tacos was denied — at least at first. You can’t always be a winner, but you can always be a loser! Wait for a classmate to fill out the communal Google Doc and take a free ride to mediocrity.

You: Has anyone ever successfully sublet for the summer? If so, how can I?

YAFI: We can’t really give a definitive answer to that question because neither of us can ever remember which one subletting is and which one subleasing is. That being said, we’re pretty sure at least one of the two has happened in the past.

Advertise your place on Facebook and Craigslist, and try LinkedIn as well.

Create a profile for your house. Endorse it for being “partially furnished.”

The wording of the ad is critical. In between its chapters on sumo wrestlers and crack cocaine, “Freakonomics” teaches that certain words strongly correlate to higher selling prices. Mention positive attributes like “walking distance” or “natural sunlight,” but avoid turn-offs such as “utilities,” “lease starts June 1” or “Town House Apartments.”

Everyone still knows what the real estate market really boils down to: location, location and a price way lower than what you’re actually paying in rent.

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