Drew Goins (a 20-year-old man in Dubai) and Kelsey Weekman (a 57-year-old woman in her parents’ basement) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.” Results may vary.
You: I like this girl I met online, but I’m afraid she might be a catfish. Any tips?
YAFI: If you’re not hip with teen slang or have gotten lost here on your way to find our sister fishing advice column (You Cast for It!), a catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they are not on the Internet.
“Stephanie,” the 21-year-old aspiring model that you caught on your lure of digital charm might actually be a 47-year-old dude.
The best thing you can do is just never meet and hope either your love dissipates over time or religious authorities invent a way to marry people via Kik.
If you insist on meeting, become the worse catfish yourself. Go full Bjork and show up to your first encounter in a swan dress — or just dress up as an actual catfish. Then take her to see “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” and talk about your journey to becoming an Operating Thetan.
You won’t have to worry about whoever Stephanie turns out to be (it’s probably Stephen, sorry) and you’ll land a spot on an MTV show.
You: How do you suggest celebrating now that quad construction is done?
YAFI: We’ve spent the last eight months coping with the chain link fences that turned the quad into a minotaur’s plaything.
Not since the fall of the Berlin Wall or Jennifer Anniston’s middle part has the dissolution of a barrier been such a joyous occasion.
To celebrate, print out maze worksheets to pass out to your friends. Instead of completing them traditionally, just have them draw straight lines from start to finish and then high-five.
Maybe head over to the Duke Lemur Center and help take down their fences, too. If Zoboomafoo (RIP) gets the freedom to produce a children’s television series, his brethren should at least get to roam the Triangle. Also, if we couldn’t steal the national championship from Duke, we can at least steal their trained mammals.
Of course, the only way to truly christen the new and improved quad is with a good, ol’ fashioned LDOC party, so prepare yourselves. Do your best to avoid falling into soft patches of earth that could give way to the now asbestos-free steam tunnels.