Column: Start your first week off on the right beat

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a student seeking a pleasant FDOC must be in want of the perfect FDOC playlist.

There’s a formula to follow, an algorithm you must crack to set the tone of your first day and, in essence, your entire semester. The stakes are high. The “will they, won’t they” tension between you and the Spotify Premium ads is tangible.

You start big. Musical overtures are preferred. You want something fun, flirty and fresh that shrieks, “I am rising from the depths, clinging to fleeting scraps of my GPA and feeling disillusioned in my knowledge of UNC-system politics!” My recommendation: “Phantom of the Opera Overture.”

At this point you’ve risen from the depths of your dorm room, and you’re ready to hit the streets for your walk to class. Based on whether your professors have already uploaded a syllabus and assigned homework on Sakai, you’re either feeling those first-day jitters or the onslaught of imminent doom. My recommendation: “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina & The Waves or Carl Orff’s “O Fortuna.”

By now you’ve either made it to class (My recommendation: “Seinfeld” bass line) or you live in Hinton James (My recommendation: “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers).

Now you’re starting to see people you know for the first time since last semester.

How to convince them you’re a cool, cosmopolitan, learned version of yourself and hide the fact you spent the summer watching “Night Court” marathons with your dog?

Coolly and cosmopolitanly take out a single earbud, and let them know you’re listening to the most obscure song you can think of so they don’t know you wish you were listening to the theme from “Night Court.” My cool and cosmopolitan recommendation: “Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club.

Now you’re walking between classes (“There She Goes” by The La’s)! Darting between air-conditioned buildings, you have no back sweat and are celestial (“Survivor” by Destiny’s Child)!

Slipping back into the routine of making class friends can be difficult, especially when it seems like everyone else traveled and got job offers and found the time to finish “Stranger Things” except for you (theme from “X-Files”). Stick with songs from the “Brother Bear” soundtrack here. My recommendation: “Send Me On My Way” by Rusted Root.

Your classes are done, your teachers only slightly mispronounced your name while calling roll (Paul Simon’s “You Can Call Me Al”), you’re heading home (Simon & Garfunkel’s “Homeward Bound”) and you and your roommate are ready to hit the hay (Art Garfunkel’s “Two Sleepy People”). You need to be rejuvenated. You need the best songs ever written. My recommendations: “Free Bird,” “Bohemian Rhapsody” and the theme song from “Treme.”

You’ve made it through your FDOC! As you fall asleep on your laptop, you accidentally add Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence” to your playlist 37 times, and all is right.