Bye, Brangelina: The biggest celebrity breakups of 2016

Once-upon-a-time fairy tales fit the confines of a simple narrative. That narrative went something like this: girl meets boy, boy falls in love with girl, they marry and live happily ever after.

When Brangelina came rushing to the forefront of pop culture, the world learned that fairy tales aren’t so simple after all. Sometimes boy is married to girl next door, boy falls in love with new bad girl, boy leaves girl next door, boy marries new bad girl, forms a beloved power couple and adopts a bevy of international babies. Theirs was a millennial love story for the ages.

And yet, the story took a turn for the worse this Tuesday when the public learned that Brangelina had reached a fork in the metaphorical road of their relationship. The publicly happy, but apparently privately miserable, duo have taken a U-turn at “Happily Ever After” and headed straight down “Divorce Alley.” That is to say, Brad and Angelina are no more, and the world as we know it is over.

But why am I not surprised? Did I really see this coming? Am I suddenly cynical and cold? Or could it just be that 2016 has been the ultimate year of the celebrity break up?

2016 has landed some hot couples in some seriously hot water. So since it’s Thursday and we’ve all been mourning the de-hyphenation of Jolie-Pitt, here is a throwback look at the most tumultuous breakups of the year.

Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris

Let’s start off big here, shall we? Taylor Swift is an icon of the breakup. But something about Calvin felt different from her Joe-Jonas-and-Harry-Styles past. He was Scottish. He was a DJ. He had washboard abs. Everything about him seemed to suggest that he was lifetime bae material for Tay. And then the unthinkable happened. Tay and Calvin collaborated on “This is What You Came For” but Tay went by the pseudonym Nils Sjoberg and everyone was quite confused. A couple of angry tweets later and this love story was no more.

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston

Oops, Tay did it again! Relationships are all about learning what you like and what you don’t like. Tay clearly likes men from Great Britain, and honestly I can’t blame her. Tom Hiddleston is a good man. To counter Calvin’s grunge appeal, Tay rebounded with a high-class dude. 

In case you didn’t already know this from an earlier Google search, Tom is a Cambridge-educated Shakespearian actor. Is there anything sexier than that? Probably. Hiddleswift came spinning on to the scene out of nowhere, and just as quickly spun off the scene into oblivion. But as with all Tay relationships, yesterday’s breakups are just fodder for next year’s album. You go girl.

Iggy Azalea and Nick Young

This breakup played out in a fashion shockingly similar to the narrative of Shaggy’s hit song from 2000, “It Wasn’t Me.” Iggy did in fact catch Nick red-handed creeping with the girl next door. And yes, she even caught him on camera.

Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon Osbourne

Nothing could be more lamentable than bidding adieu to everybody’s favorite British punk mom and dad. However, nothing could be more predictable than the revelation that Ozzy has been harboring a secret sex addiction all these years. Icky Ozzy.

Kylie Jenner and Tyga

Did this breakup actually happen? If you follow MaG on Snapchat then you know that after a brief hiatus this questionably legal duo is back at it and better than ever. For most normal couples presenting your girlfriend with a big fat diamond ring means you are ready to hit the altar. But Tyga and Kylie are not a normal couple and that sparkler Kylie’s wearing was just a birthday present (you know, because turning 19 is like a really big deal).

What a sad year 2016 proved to be for the celebrity power couple. But with every end comes a beginning, and there is no doubt that these newly single celebs will be rebounding their way back into semi-successful relationships. We can also take comfort knowing that Jennifer Aniston is laughing all the way home to the loving arms of her adoring husband. Jen, here’s to you.