How coming back to school is like a horror movie

Of course the first Friday of the semester is a Friday the 13th. What else would it be? At times UNC is the stuff that nightmares are made of. So here are some horror movie moments that are way too relatable to being back on campus.

Oh and *spoiler alert.*

1. The Gymnastics Death in “Final Destination 5”

This semester I finally have to suck it up and take LFIT, despite the fact that the last time I properly worked out was the day after seeing Teyana Taylor in the “Fade” music video at the VMA’s.

I imagine it going as smoothly as when in “Final Destination 5,” Candice literally died while doing gymnastics. Through a Rube-Goldberg-esque chain of freak accidents, powder flies into Candice’s eyes while she is swinging on the high beams. She becomes blinded, loses her grip, flies through the air, flips while in flight and lands in a contortion that breaks her spine and kills her.

This is how I imagine LFIT going on a good day.

2. Samuel L. Jackson in “Snakes on a Plane”

There’s gotta be at least one person in every class that is fake, shady and needs to be dealt with. These individuals dry out my skin, put pimples on my face and mess up my edges. I’m talking about y’all snakes that love to remind the professor about the homework.

And as much as Samuel L. Jackson’s character in the thriller “Snakes on a Plane” tries to deal with these shady creatures, you know he is FED. UP and just plain tired.

I’m also tired. Of these motherfucking snakes in my motherfucking classroom.

3. The Babadook in … “Babadook”

Tell me why whenever I procrastinate, the responsible part of me keeps thinking about of the 127 hours straight worth of work I have to do. I’m just trying to be self-destructive in peace, thank you.

And if thinking about how much work you have to do was a creature, 1000 percent it would be the Babadook. First off, the Babadook looks terrifying; it’s at least 12 feet tall, wears a top hat and has nails longer than Cardi B’s. Plus, its whole purpose is to torment victims after they become aware of him. It also gets stronger if you deny its existence and starts to appear everywhere.

Sound familiar?

4. Cackling Furniture in “Evil Dead II”

Y’all I cannot believe that it is 2017 and there are still people out there who act like their school is harder than UNC when they have a whole Syllabus Week while we get all of a Syllabus 10 Minutes.

The way I react to these delusional folks is the way the furniture reacts to the hallucinating Ash, who begins to spiral into insanity after an encounter with a demon in “Evil Dead II.”

If these folks keep spreading these damn lies, I’ll find a way to bring to life the Twin XL of anyone who complains about having three hours of homework a night.

5. Don’s Survival Instincts in “28 Weeks Later”

I don’t play around when it comes to avoiding the Carolina Plague. I don’t have time to be sick and due to my steady diet of pizza and Jimmy John’s, I have the immune system of a fruit fly.

If I so much as hear a sneeze from the hallway, you can peep me Usain Bolt-ing full force across campus to bathe in Purell.

And Don from “28 Weeks Later” gets germaphobia. When it seems like zombies are about to infect him and his wife, and she won’t ditch this little kid she found so they can run faster, Don leaves her ass! That’s colder than when Chyna took the baby and left Rob right before Christmas.

When it comes to avoiding the Carolina Plague, I think we can all take some tips from Don. It’s everyone for themselves.

6. The Staircase Crawl from “The Grudge”

There comes a time when taking an 8 a.m. becomes a necessary evil. I like getting up early as much as Kanye likes being ignored. There just really is no way to look cute and have energy that early.

Most of the time I drag my ass out of bed and over to class looking and moving like Kayako, the ghost girl from the Grudge. I probably move like her too. I mean who truly has the energy to do their hair *and* stand upright?

Y’all ask too much of me sometimes.

@noni_ski

swerve@dailytarheel.com