Kiana Cole (human woman) and Alison Krug (the anthropomorphization of human shrieking) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I forgot about my first assignment due this semester. How do I bounce back?
You Asked for It: There’s nothing quite like the transition from the “Hmm, when’s our first paper due again?” contemplation you have in the middle of class and the “OH, RIGHT NOW” realization that slaps you in the face as you see your former allies start to hand in their assignments.
We could tell you to get a planner or use your iCalendar app, but your planner will probably be misplaced and your iCal will probably explode once Snapchat takes over the world. So just stop planning! In the words of someone we’ve never heard of, quit while you’re behind.
You: I’m graduating this May — how do I get a ring by spring?
YAFI: There’s nothing more romantic than searching for the love of your life while strictly adhering to the academic calendar, turning punctuality-based anxieties into marital commitment.
Having trouble locking down a date on a deadline? Carry yourself with the confidence of a frat boy longboarding into a women’s studies class 15 minutes late every day.
Drained the dating pool at UNC? Amble into the DMs or the comments section of www.tractorsupply.com to find an N.C. State Date™. Compliment your Farm Bureau Beau™ on their bountiful harvest, with one eye on your germinating romance and the other on a glossary of agriculture vocabulary.