The Daily Tar Heel
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Tuesday, Sept. 26, 2023 Newsletters Latest print issue

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The Daily Tar Heel

Dear North Carolina GOP,

We heard about the plan you rolled out to give health coverage to 300,000 of the working poor in North Carolina.

We just want you to know it’s alright, and that we’re proud of you. We know that when you bunch of young whippersnappers were using fancy buzzwords like “personal responsibility” and “restricting entitlements,” you didn’t really mean it.

You had probably just learned them from your kooky, old right-wing professor, who’s trying to turn all of you into fascists. But hey, we’re all a little idealistic at that age, right? I bet you even voted for Jeb Bush in the primary. Crazy kids.

It’s like you’ve been told all your life — once you get out into the real world, you’ll come back down to earth and your views will change. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of. This is a safe space.

See, things are just different in the adult world than they are when you’re standing around a keg with Paul Ryan dreaming of slashing public healthcare funding.

And we want you to know that we never said a word to grandma about that atheist phase you went through.

I know all that talk about loving your neighbor and “[selling] all you have and [giving] it to the poor” can be hard to swallow, but we’re glad you came to your senses.

We’re looking forward to the increased numbers of insured North Carolinians, decreased financial burden on healthcare providers, increased equitability in individual shares of the cost of coverage and decrease in wasteful inefficiencies in the market.

But hey, what do we know?



P.S. Grandma said to remind you to go ahead and get rid of those nasty voter-ID laws for good, too. You’re a little too old to still believe in the straw man. 

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