Columnist Benji Schwartz
My phone shed its mortal coil last week.
It was a good phone. And while I may cry for my iPhone’s demise (cryPhone), out of the two of us, the phone may be the lucky one. Because while my phone has reached eternal bliss and slumber, I had to read the past week’s news.
Granted, the week didn’t start poorly. First there was Tuesday when the NCAA, fresh off granting the Tar Heel state a place to strut our basketball superiority, decided that we no longer needed to have moral superiority — or morals for that matter — and future tournaments might be held in North Carolina. Because according to the NCAA, ensuring employees and fans have a safe environment extends only to the bathroom and not workplace discrimination laws.
Then Wednesday, when I finally got around to packing away and saying farewell to my iPhone (goodbyePhone), Steve Bannon was fired from the National Security Council. This should have been good news because when white supremacists lose their seats of power, everyone wins — even iPhones without cameras, batteries and home buttons — but then on departure he had to say that whole creepy mission accomplished thing.
Now, I’m fairly certain that was the Trump administration/Bannon trying to save face on another embarrassing shake-up, but still, my iPhone’s premature departure saved it from frantic Google searches trying to find out what Bannon may or may not have accomplished as well as panic bag-packing advice websites (advicePhone).
Thursday was another day where things almost seemed good with House Intelligence Committee Chairperson Devin Nunes, R-Calif., stepping down from the Russia investigation following his overt attempts to favor the Trump administration. But then he was replaced by Rep. Trey Gowdy, R-S.C. of Benghazi, email and Salem Witch Trials fame. Oh, and the filibuster died.
Yes, my poor phone was spared the hypocrisy of Senate Republicans attacking Democrats for “unprecedented obstruction” and the need to give deference to the president’s choice of Supreme Court justice. The only way I got through the day was because I knew that Merrick Garland (deniedPhone) somehow had the maturity to not go in the Supreme Court room and refuse to move from Scalia’s vacant seat.
And finally, when we’d almost reached Friday, normally the sole redemptive day of any week, the U.S. launched 59 Tomahawk missiles into a Syrian military airbase. Granted my phone knew me well enough to understand I could be persuaded to be in favor of intervention, but still. We’d all have to be pretty stupid to believe this administration would be any better at nation building than any previous, and while the copious number of reports on human rights abuses from Libya provided me employment over the summer, what happened is not a good thing (sighPhone).
So long, phone. You were a faithful companion the last four years. And may a choir of angels lead you into paradise, you lucky bastard.