James Scalise (White bread) and Perry Carter (White-tinted water) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column.
Results may vary.
You: Dear YAFI,
What’s an easy class I can switch into for my last semester at UNC?
- Slothful Senior
You Asked For It:
Hi Sloth!
ARTH 283: Advanced Yarn Bombing
GEOG 160: Where is New Hampshire Anyways?
DRAM 301: Special Topics: Julianne Moore, The People’s Actress
MUSC 210: The Shared Artistry of Kenny Chesney and Liberace
PHIL 380: Exploring the Mind of a WXYC DJ
DRAM 990: Fursuit Design
PHYA 117: Intro to Foam Rollers
GEOG 203: Which Pole Has Penguins?
ENGL 372H: Great American Authors: Steel, Grisham, Picoult
MEJO 245: Tweeting the Great Political Clapback
HIST 401: Columbus Did What Now?
BUSI 101
You: Hey guys! My New Year’s Resolution was to save money, so I’ve decided to eat out less. Do you guys have any good recipes to make at home?
James: Here’s a recipe from the pioneer times.
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Ingredients
Stale Bread
Sriracha
I gotta tell you how to make it too? You can’t figure it out?
Put bread in toaster, don’t change the settings. I hope you brought a blanket cause the kitchen’s cold.
Take out when finished, put it on a paper towel. If there are no paper towels, countertop is fine.
Squeeze on sriracha (no need to find a clean knife, which is good, cause you don’t have one).
Leave crumbs on counter; slap the bag of bread so it spins and then fold the opening side plastic under the bag so it stays sealed by its own weight. You could put it back in the drawer but you’re not gonna.
Go back to bed.
Perry: When’s the last time you had pudding? For me, it was yesterday. Most people think pudding is something you eat when you’re a kid but never after.
I’m here to set the record straight re: pudding.
Follow this recipe, and it will be like you’re back to being young.
Ingredients
Jell-O® Butterscotch Instant Pudding
Skim Milk
Water
Open the box of Jell-O® Butterscotch Instant Pudding and dump its contents into a bowl.
Add in skim milk. You’re probably thinking: “but skim milk is the worst type of milk.” Don’t I know it — it’s what I grew up drinking, so even though it’s basically white-tinted water, it’s going in the bowl!
Stir contents with either a whisk or shrapnel.
Stretch a sheet of plastic wrap over the bowl and refrigerate it for exactly 5 minutes to congeal.
Bored while you wait? Watch the Hillary Clinton “Just Chillin’ in Cedar Rapids” Vine 43 times.
Your Jell-O® Butterscotch Instant Pudding is now ready!
