YAFI: In which we save your Christmases

Kent McDonald (Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You”) and Annie Kiyonaga (Jimmy Buffet’s “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”) are UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice columnists. Results may vary.

It’s that time of year, folks: time for YAFI’s first annual (and most likely only ever) gift giving guide! Soon, all of you will be scrambling pathetically to find the perfect gift for your loved ones. Lucky for you, we have a combined 42 years of gift giving and buying experience. Plus, the holidays have us in a “giving mood.” So we’ve decided to honor our singular, benevolent heart and help you poor, inadequate fools. You’re welcome. 

For the skilled cook in your life: A whole raw ham. You want to eat honey-glazed ham; your chef friend wants to cook one, probably. And even if they don’t, they’ll have to, or else they’ll look ungrateful. We at YAFI like to call this a win-win situation. 

For the movie-lover: A box set of all three Grinch movies. Little-known fact: movie-lovers adore remakes. If you’re looking to spice this gift up, perform your best Jim Carrey Grinch impersonation while your loved one opens the gift. 

For the wine-lover: Give them a vase of water and an empty bottle of wine. Demand they turn water into wine. If they can’t do it in under 30 seconds, they’re not worth your precious time. 

For the annoying book reader who still prefers to read physical books instead of ebooks: Insert a bag of stones into their backpack to remind them of the insidious weight of books and the back issues they will develop if they continue this lethal habit. 

For the coffee-addict: Just in time for the holidays, the latest trend in skincare is the espresso facial. Everyone who’s anyone is talking about it (see: Kent and only Kent). Follow these steps carefully for a guaranteed knockout gift! 

Step one: Make four to five steaming-hot espresso shots (amount will vary depending on surface area of recipient’s face.) I cannot stress enough how important it is that these shots are steaming-hot. They should be scalding. 

Step two: Carefully apply the espresso shots to the face by pouring a robust and even coating of espresso to the skin. It is best if the recipient’s skin is as relaxed as possible, so performing the facial while they are sleeping is strongly encouraged. Continue to apply espresso liquid until the face is evenly red in color, as if the skin is burning. 

Step three: Wait until the recipient is awakened by the warm, pleasurable sensation and aroma of the espresso facial. Open arms expectantly for a hug and display of undying gratitude. 

Step four: Rinse and repeat until desired display of gratitude and affection is achieved. 

For the dog lover: Doggy doors are adorable and practical. Cut a hole in your friend’s front door so that they can joyfully watch their beloved pet bound in and out, free from the restrictions of their human masters. 

And, when in doubt, the best holiday gifts are those given with sincerity and affection. So affectionately tell everyone in your life exactly what you think of them. Be brutally honest, and be sure to offer lots of much-needed perspective on their romantic relationships. Remember: you are the true and only expert on other people’s emotions and experiences. The giving spirit of the holidays encourages, nay demands you, to share your opinions loudly and clearly to everyone. Joy to the world!