As this is my final paper as opinion editor, the Editorial Board pitched an idea for my last hurrah: a roast of the members of our Board. Not sure I was up for the task — and not appreciating that I was being compared to Michael Scott in a lot of analogies people were making — I counter-proposed that we all roast each other, in what we’re calling the DTH Edit Board Secret Santa.
We’ve had a lot of disagreements at board meetings this semester — who knew people had such strong feelings about bus riding apps? — but our relationships are largely defined by mutual respect and good-natured ribbing. This may be a politically divisive time, but friendships still can, and do, happen across the aisle. So, without further ado, allow me to present the DTH Edit Board Secret Santa.
Actually, a bit more ado. Some of these are roasts Editorial Board members submitted through a Google Form, some are ones I wrote. I won’t reveal who wrote whose roast to help keep my plausible deniability alive. Except Nick’s. Nick wrote his own because he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, which is oddly sweet and a bit self-hating. Ok, now we can get into it.
- I was going to write something to roast Misha but then I remembered she's from Florida. Life already roasted her.
- We only let Zach on edit board so he can bring his dog.
- ALEC THINKS HATING ON POPULAR THINGS MAKES HIM AN INTERESTING PERSON AND HE WANTS TO TAKE THE REST OF EDIT BOARD DOWN WITH HIM ON THE TRAIL OF BOREDOM AND BEING """""SERIOUS""""" (Note from Alec: someone seems to have forgotten that while others can't see who submitted the roasts, I can...)
- Abbas, you're from Texas.
- The first time I saw Chris at an edit board meeting I remember thinking "why did someone bring their dad?"
- Paige, UNC called, they think you suck. BOOM, roasted!
- Livy once said that she eats candy corn with Cheez-Its and I've never been more disgusted with another human being in my life.
- Often pretending to be really busy, Nick, you have done a great job of attending every other meeting (or less) and leaving the door open to the DTH when you do come, thus leaving the desks near the door exposed to the natural elements due to your forgetfulness. Your unharnessed enthusiasm for liberalism does a great job of simply maintaining the status quo of the edit board. Congrats on being average!
- Seth may not be able to eat gluten, but judging from his articles he has no problem with spice.
- Abbas, you're a first-year.
- Kent, there's no sexy way to eat a waffle.
- ABBAS, YOU'RE FROM TEXAS.
- I'm not sure Annie and Kent exist outside of each others' presence.
- Rachel brings diversity to the Editorial Board by being a real journalist and a big idiot.