Kent McDonald (searching for a boyfriend) and Annie Kiyonaga (searching for an LFIT) are UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice columnists. Results may vary.
The rumors are true: both Kent and I will, in fact, be graduating in May, making this our LAST first week of classes. My last week of correcting professors on the pronunciation of Kiyonaga (KEY-oh-nah-guh); Kent’s last week of wearing his “glasses” to all of his classes so as to make a good first impression. With this sad countdown in mind, we at YAFI have decided to compile a bucket list for our final semester.
- Figure out where the term “bucket list” came from. Is it a reference to the phrase “kicking the bucket?” Are we supposed to incorporate buckets into our thought process? The answer is probably a short Google search away, which brings us to our next bucket list item: no more Google searches. Intuitive and wild speculations only.
- Go to a UNC men's basketball game. I know this column is supposed to be “satirical,” or whatever, but I (Kent) have to get this #truth off of my chest: I, truly, have never, ever attended a Carolina basketball game. *Cue gasps of horror.* I’ve only been inside the Dean Dome twice. And one time was to get a free T-shirt that I re-gifted to my older brother because I forgot to get him a gift when he graduated college, which, in retrospect, was a curious gift to give a small-town Ohio liberal arts college graduate. It’s embarrassing — trust me, I’m mortified by this egregious, gaping hole in my collegiate experience. So fingers crossed I make it down to the Dean Dome! It’s just so far!! Maybe Annie will carry me down to South Campus on her shoulders? A girl can dream! <3
- Speaking of being carried on your friends’ shoulders, I’d like to give Carol Folt a piggy-back ride. No questions asked — just a simple, perfunctory trot around the Old Well will suffice. Carol, the ball’s in your court.
- Evict the first years currently living in my old dorm room and reclaim the space as an ornate shrine to Annie and I’s writing partnership and confusingly romantic relationship. Watch out residents of Koury 414!
- Pull a “Harry Potter on the Hogwarts Express” and walk into the Meantime and loudly shout: “I’ll buy the lot!” Then proceed to purchase every single item and beverage in their inventory. This includes the sugar packets! Sugar is very important! Once I have acquired the entirety of the Meantime, I plan to jump onto my broomstick and fly around campus, dumping coffee and Sonder Market pastries onto crowds of expectant and gracious UNC students. I will become eternally memorialized as a UNC icon, “The Boy Who Gived.”
- I, for one, would like to actually drink from the Old Well. I’ve missed the FDOC deadline once again, but I could always drop out of all my classes & then speedily re-enroll to create my own personal FDOC. Something simple like that.
- Additionally, I would like to streak during finals. That being said, is it really streaking if everyone knows that it’s about to happen and is waiting with their phones ready to film the strangely slow-moving procession of streakers? Why do all of the streakers walk, as if they’re participating in a nudist parade instead of an ostensibly illegal activity? Furthermore, can we decide, collectively, that it is intrusive and unacceptable to film naked people without their expressed permission? With all this in mind, I plan to streak wearing the only outfit that I allow myself to be photographed in: a dapper bowler hat and a full Canadian tuxedo. Dignified yet fun!
Whoever completes all of these items in a timely manner will be allowed to join Kent and I for our weekly Tru liaison, in which we pretend to be shocked when the bartenders recognize us and gossip unabashedly about our so-called “friends.”
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