YAFI: In which we fix cybersecurity issues once and for all

Kent McDonald (Japanese Breakfast) and Annie Kiyonaga (Full English Breakfast) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

Dear YAFI: 

I simply cannot fathom a world without [B]ski’s. Franklin Street has lost a truly groundbreaking establishment. I am at a loss for words. How can I possibly move on from this unimaginable pain and learn to live in a world that is [B]ski's-less?

Sincerely, 

Grieving Gary

Dear Grieving Gary, 

Let me tell you a little story about [B]ski’s. It was freshman year. Springtime. Flowers were blossoming, children were laughing, etc. I (Annie) was studying on campus, as one does freshman year, with a friend of mine. Said friend asked if I’d like to go grab lunch. I said yes. I was young and idealistic. I didn’t even think to ask where he’d want to go. We donned our backpacks and began the long, treacherous walk down Franklin. We passed Linda’s. We passed Tru. My heart started beating faster. Where was I being taken? A feeling of panic mounted. We passed Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe. At this point, a simple omelette would have sufficed. We stopped, finally, in front of — you guessed it — [B]ski’s. Why were we there mid-day? Who eats [B]ski’s for lunch, and not as a snack at 2 a.m.? I had so many questions. My lunch companion was unperturbed. And you know what? Despite — or, perhaps, because of — my reservations, that chicken Caesar wrap actually tasted pretty good. This is all to say: although I haven’t actually set foot in [B]ski’s since that fateful day freshman year, I remember it fondly and will mourn its departure appropriately. And that, dear Gary, is all we can do at this juncture: mourn, collectively, the death of yet another ill-fated Franklin Street institution. As long as Cosmic remains untouched, I have faith that we, as a community, can overcome this obstacle. 

Dear YAFI: 

In light of Jeff Bezos’ sexting scandal, I’m concerned about my online privacy. If the man who invented Amazon can’t keep his nudes safe, then the rest of us must be doomed! How can I ensure my right to privacy while also enjoying the wonders of the digital age? 

Best,

Anxious Amy 

Dear Anxious Amy, 

We here at YAFI have picked up a few tricks re: online privacy. First of all, release any expectations of digital privacy. This has been most helpful for us in our quest for post-analog sanity. Feeling weird about that photo shoot from 9th grade? (You know, the one where you and your friend put on really red lipstick, a look made all the worse by your full mouth of braces? And posed, hand on hip, in front of a Mac Photo Booth background, half-joking but, really, seriously thinking you looked good?) Too late! Get over it. That ship has sailed. Welcome to the real world, moron. 

Second, befriend the NSA agent monitoring your online activity. I like to leave little notes for my NSA agent on my iPhone notes app. Simple, cute, friendly messages like “I love you” and “please don’t ever leave me.” Because, if we’re being honest, your supposed desire for “online privacy” is really you hiding from your fears of commitment. No one wants privacy — yuck! Everyone wants love. And luckily, we’ve heard that the NSA is really into building relationships with its clients. 

Dear YAFI,

It’s January, and flu season is in full swing. Everyone seems to be dropping like flies. I am absolutely terrified of being sick. It happened to me once, and I thought I was going to die. What tips do you have for surviving winter happily and healthily?

Sincerely, 

Healthy (FOR NOW) Harry

Dear Healthy (FOR NOW) Harry,

In every family there is one child that is labeled the “weak” one. You know, the one who everyone agrees wouldn’t have survived in the olden days before people invented flu shots and sneezing into your elbow. I (Kent) was the “weak” child of my family. Growing up, I was constantly ill. I’ve survived mono, pneumonia, strep, upward of 16 sinus infections, etc. I am a survivor. And although I am writing this column with a sore throat and severe sinus congestion, what lies below are my foolproof tricks of the trade guaranteed to keep you healthy and happy. 

1. Every morning when I wake up, I eat an entire garland of raw garlic. I like to wear mine around my neck when I go to bed so I remember to eat it immediately when I wake up. Not only will the garlic improve your immunity, but it will also protect you against the advances of vampires! And all your friends will love it. 
2. A lot of people use products like Emergen-C and Airborne. Boring! I prefer going “au naturel.” Instead of eating a fizzy powder or chalky tablet, juice an orange and squeeze the orange juice directly into your eyes. The burning sensation is how you know it is working. Smile through the pain!
3. Some people like to drink tea to feel better. If one cup of tea helps, though, wouldn’t a whole bathtub full help THAT MUCH MORE? That’s right: I fill an entire bathtub with boiling water, scatter 10-60 tea bags in the water, and steep myself along with them. In a sense, I am just another tea bag. It’s beautiful. My skin will never recover, but my cold is probably gone.