Misha Maruf, opinion editor and probable future robot collaborator, took some convincing to let me write this piece. I’ve come out against memes, "The Office" remakes and just a lot of very popular things in general over the course of my time at the DTH, but saying Cosmic Cantina is overrated got me flak the likes of which I hadn’t seen since I said Beyoncé wasn’t all that. Cosmic devotion on the Editorial Board is so fierce — especially from Paige Masten, whose opposing viewpoint you can read here — that I was told writing an anti-Cosmic take would be tantamount to stabbing the Board in the back. To which I said:
“Is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.”
A few things to get out of the way before I get into it. First, I should not have volunteered to write this article. It was a stupid, stupid decision. My knee-jerk reaction is to disagree with things Paige says — I mean, she likes "The Office" for Chrissake — but I don’t even really dislike Cosmic. It’s a fine restaurant, one I’ve been to several times and am likely to return to. But, I said I’d write the piece, so I guess I’ll focus on the one thing I think they can improve on: their cheese dip.
Tyrant, brother-killer and all-around bad guy Kim Jong-un has made many terrible and disastrous decisions in his life. His judgement is suspect in pretty much everything he does, but even he recognizes one universal truth, that cheese is frickin’ amazing. According to a Newsweek article, Kim “spends most of his time eating cheese and plotting against the West.” While I can’t sign off on the plotting against the West bit — or almost anything else the Supreme Leader does — the fact that Kim loves cheese just shows how wide its appeal is. Everyone loves cheese, from lowly DTH Editorial Board members to dictators who claim they don’t need to…expel waste if you catch my drift (that’s real propaganda North Korea spreads, look it up). And because queso is basically pure, liquid cheese, it is, automatically, my favorite Mexican dish, and should be yours as well. Which is why it’s so disappointing that Cosmic’s is only so-so.
Please bear in mind that I’m not trying to pass judgement on Cosmic’s entire menu. Cosmic has many other fine items, and as one of the few remaining non-pizza place on Franklin Street I’d encourage everyone to give them business. But their cheese dip could be better. It’s too liquidy and doesn’t have enough flavor. That’s it. That’s my
hot lukewarm take. I never should have signed up for this article.