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The Daily Tar Heel

Column: Duke vs. UNC, celebrity edition

zach goins

Can you smell it? That sweet, sweet mixture. The sweat of thousands of people who just sprinted from every direction. The smoke of a freshly lit bonfire burning on Franklin Street. The putrid scent of misery and despair drifting down 15-501 from 10 miles away.

It can only mean one thing – rivalry week. 

Tonight, the greatest rivalry in sports is renewed as our beloved Tar Heels travel to Cameron Indoor Stadium to take on the Dook Blue Devils for the first time this season. 

We know the storylines headed into the game. Zion this, Zion that. Roy versus K. A showdown between No. 1 and No. 8. We’ll leave it to the fine people over on sports desk to break all that down.

I’m here to focus on what’s really important here. With rumors circulating of celebrity appearances all week long, it’s sure to be a star-studded night in Cameron. But the biggest question on everyone’s minds is clear: which team’s celebrity fans would put together the best starting five? 

It’s time to analyze each school’s best potential starting lineup and determine which team will have the real edge heading into tonight’s showdown.

Point Guard

Carolina: Lil Wayne (5’5”)

Dook: Ken Jeong (5’5”)

After some pretty extensive research, I wasn’t able to find much video evidence of either celeb playing basketball, so this one is just going to be an imaginary toss up. While “The Hangover” star doesn’t strike me as very athletic, I’ve just got this gut feeling that Lil Wayne is really bad at basketball. I feel like he’s the kind of guy who immediately shoots right when he touches the ball and proceeds to miss every shot. Chalk this one up as a W for the Dookies. 

Advantage: Dook

Shooting Guard

Carolina: Odell Beckham Jr. (5’11”)

Dook: Drake (5’11”)

Do we really need to break this one down? If you think Drake could keep up with one of the most freakishly athletic people on the planet, you’re sadly mistaken. I mean, have you seen Drake try and shoot a basketball? If we’re being honest, Drake would probably stop guarding OBJ halfway through the game because he’d want to jump ship and join his team instead. That guy is the definition of wishy-washy. Plus, we all know any team Drake roots for is automatically cursed, so the Heels have this one on lock. 

Advantage: Carolina

Small Forward

Carolina: Chadwick Boseman (6’)

Dook: Tony Romo (6’2”)

Now, I’m going to make an assumption here and say we’re getting Boseman as the full-on Black Panther, superpowers and all. In that case, this is an easy win, even against Romo and his ability to predict the future. Then again, even if Boseman didn’t do anything, Romo would probably find a way to mess things up on his own, whether it’s fumbling the ball out of bounds or scoring on the wrong basket. 

Advantage: Carolina

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Power Forward

Carolina: Barack Obama (6’1”)

Dook: Alex Rodriguez (6’3”)

This is a match up with the potential for some serious clanging and banging in the paint. A-Rod may have the experience when it comes to athletics, but don’t sleep on Barry O – word on the street is he’s got game. After scrimmaging with the Heels back in 2008, the former commander-in-chief earned respect from the likes of UNC legends Tyler Hansbrough and Danny Green. I think it’s safe to assume we owe the 2009 National Championship to Obama for whipping the boys into shape. And isn’t the thought of an Obama to Beckham alley-oop just a beautiful image?

Advantage: Carolina


Carolina: J. Cole (6’2”)

Dook: Peyton Manning (6’5”)

Clearly we’ve got a mismatch here. Just because Carolina has the superior celebrity fan base, it doesn’t mean height is on the Heels’ side. Manning may be towering over Cole down in the low post, but I think Cole may have the edge when it comes to athleticism. Don’t get me wrong, Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, but let’s just say he’s not known for his mobility. 

Advantage: Carolina