Kent (Paris, France) and Annie (Paris, Texas) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
This has been a trying week for your favorite satirical writing duo. Annie and Kent are struggling. Theses deadlines are quickly approaching; midterms are shockingly happening; the world is possibly ending. On top of it all, the universe has tragically separated Annie and Kent. As we write, Annie is driving to “N'awlins” for Mardi Gras while Kent is heading to therapy. Which sounds more enticing? Who can really say.
We can say, however, that being apart is unimaginably painful. True story: Annie and Kent have never spent more than 2 hours apart. Once, they even spent an entire day in hell together. It was magical.
But have no fear, YAFI shall persevere! Because we love you, dear reader, we are going to smize through the pain and write this column. Should we be spending our time otherwise? Probably. Should you, dear reader, be spending your time otherwise? Undoubtedly.
Now you may wonder, if Annie is in the car, how can both she and Kent be writing this? Savvy thought, you sly reader. Well, the answer is simple. Because Annie and Kent share a deep, unequivocable bond, they can speak to each other via telepathic connection. So, although Kent’s fingers may be typing, Annie’s mind has written these beautiful words. And vice versa. Don’t think, just be. Relax your mind and let the paradoxes of metaphysics wash over you.
In honor of spring break next week, we are bringing you a YAFI exclusive: our 2019 spring break survival guide. Read below for our travel tips and insider tricks to make sure you have the time of your life without risking your life.
1. Feeling like you need a restful, rejuvenating week for your break? We recommend taking a sojourn into your past! Remember South Campus? Remember how few academic responsibilities you had while living there? Remember the P2P? Remember the weird Koury study lounges where you spent hours watching music videos? Camp out on the South Campus volleyball court for the entirety of the week to recapture this feeling of blissful first-year innocence. Relive your meal-plan days by shopping exclusively at that strange, small convenience store near Rams.
2. If you’re looking to try something new and exciting for spring break, take a page out of Kent’s book and get in your car and start driving. Leave the maps and GPS at home. Let the road guide you to your destination. Who knows? You may find yourself randomly driving 13 hours to Toronto in one day just because you felt like it. For an added twist sure to spice up the excitement of your trip, leave your phone at home and tell no one where you’re going. If your loved ones have not filed a missing persons report by the time you’ve returned, you’ll know they never loved you at all.
3. If you find yourself wanting to go to Italy but unable to afford a flight, we have a cheap and authentic alternative. Spend one day at each of the major pizza restaurants on Franklin. Savor their respective ties to their Italian roots. Flirt with the hot guy at IP3. Maybe try a garlic knot at I Love NY Pizza if you’re feeling adventurous? To cap it all off, drink 10 bottles of Two-Buck Chuck from Trader Joe’s and cry to the very kind cashiers there about your week.
4. Maybe you’re looking for a casual, low-key vacation where you crack open a book and do laundry on a Monday morning. Maybe, if you’re feeling really crazy, you’ll light a couple of gardenia-scented candles and do a puzzle. If this is your idea of a low-key vacation, you should slide into Kent’s DMs because you’re exactly what he’s looking for. @kentomcdonald
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