Kent McDonald (Tar) and Annie Kiyonaga (Heel) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
Well, dear readers, here we are. The end of the road. The horizon. The bottom of the ocean. The surface of the sun. We, your beloved YAFI writers, will be leaving Chapel Hill in a few short weeks. In reflecting upon our time at this lovely, light blue school, we’ve come up with a few tenets of advice for young, foolish underclassmen such as yourself. Good luck and good night. (I’ve always wanted to say that. Seems appropriate here.)
- Spend as much time as possible with friends. Friends are important. We love them. We want them to feel our love. To this end, we have made it our collective mission at YAFI to infringe as constantly and annoyingly as possible on the lives of each & every one of our dearest friends. For example, when I, Annie, know that one of my friends has a VERY IMPORTANT test the next day, I make it my mission to hover around them as much as possible, asking them dumb, stupid questions. Some good examples include: “What’s your favorite thing about me?” “How good do you think I Heart New York Pizza is? Stop it. Don’t say that. I love that place.” “What’s the best dog you’ve seen recently?” Etc., etc.
- Enjoy the weather here. North Carolina weather is appallingly, almost creepily perfect. I mean, sometimes the heat is borderline unbearable, but the winters are mild and the springs and falls are absurdly beautiful. This isn’t even a joke. The winter here is SO pleasant. And people who are from North Carolina are always like, “Oh, it’s 40 degrees, I’m dying.” NO. You shut your mouth. The weather is perfect and comfortable and temperate.
- Befriend the couple that owns I Heart New York Pizza. One of the more touching experiences I (Annie) have had this semester was during a recent trip to I Heart New York Pizza. My boyfriend and I went at 1:30 a.m., as is our custom. I wasn’t hungry, so was going to abstain, until the I Heart New York Pizza guy greeted us with his characteristic enthusiasm and said to me, “We have Hawaiian pizza tonight! You want some?” There are layers to this story. First layer: my love for Hawaiian pizza. Second: my love for I Heart New York Pizza. Third: my gratitude to I Heart New York Pizza guy for knowing my order. That place is my home.
- Pull down all the Confederate statues within arm’s reach. This is also not a joke. Sometimes, radical inaction demands dynamic action.
- Take LFIT your first semester, wait patiently for three and half years, and then run into someone from your LFIT during senior bar golf. Make sure this is someone who you shared several thousand conversations with during LFIT. Perhaps someone who you even studied for the final with at Alpine Bagel. Perhaps you even shared a large chocolate chip cookie while studying (this was before Alpine changed the recipe and significantly reduced the size of their formerly glorious baked treats). Perhaps while discussing carbohydrates you two made awkward flirty eye contact (this was before you decided you were a firm 5.75 on the Kinsey Scale). Remember this person because you do not want to run into them at Bob’s while ordering a Miami Vice and talk to them for a solid six minutes while internally panicking because you have no idea what their name is.
- Check out books from the library. Did you know libraries are not just places to pretend to do work while clandestinely watching Netflix? Did you know those stacks and stalls of books are not just tasteful, artsy decor but actually real and available to you as a UNC student? Did you know in the adult world libraries are a lot less accessible and people end up using their well-earned money to purchase these literary delights? These are all things Kent is realizing for the first time. So, follow the advice of my Dance Mom alter ego and “flaunt it while you got it!”
- Dye your hair platinum AT LEAST once. My biggest regret is I only had platinum hair for one year — and it was the year I went abroad! None of you fools got to fully appreciate my flowing, blondish-white locks. I don’t want to point fingers (except that I do, I live for the drama) but I invented this trend. I invented gays dying their hair platinum instead of going to therapy. This is my thing and I want it to be documented that I did this before all of you copycats. 2017 Kent McDonald was ahead of his time and he deserves to be recognized!
- If the DTH asks you and your best friend to write a satirical advice column, do it. We promise it will be trip well worth taking and possibly life-changing. Annie and I are now satirists. In fact, we were just inducted into the satirist hall of fame. We now get brunch with our esteemed peers — Jon Stewart, Amy Sedaris and Jonathan Swift — every month. Best of all, speak your mind. Satirically. Speak your mind in a satirical advice column. No one can hold you to any of your opinions, because they’re all, ostensibly, jokes. Haha, we’re just kidding! Or are We? You’ll never kn—