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The Daily Tar Heel

Editorial: The Editorial Board's declassified holiday survival guide

As we enter the holiday season, our days are bound to be full of quality time with distant relatives who exclusively comment on, "How big you've gotten" as a full-grown adult, and family members who prod about your significant other or lack thereof.

While these interactions are obnoxious, they're pretty harmless. However, if your family is the type that uses the time gathered around the dinner table as a battleground for political disagreements or an arena for rehashing old family drama, here are some quick tips to preserve your sanity: 

  1. Keep interactions with problematic extended relatives to, “OK boomer.”
  2. Never stop eating so you can’t say something snarky to a “respected” elder.
  3. Put a max of three bites worth of food on your plate at a time so you always have a reason to leave the table if there is a problematic conversation. 
  4. Fill every awkward silence during meals with a probing question, like, “So, did y’all know that we’re eating this turkey on stolen land?” 
  5. Avoid extended interactions with relatives by strategically watching football in hard-to-find places.
  6. If you want to cause a distraction so you can leave and hole up in your home, just say, “So how about that impeachment, huh?”
  7. Spike your drink with some ~fun water~ to make the holiday bearable. There’s nothing wrong with a little liquid courage. 
  8. Sit at the kids’ table and allow yourself to be inspired by the youth of today. If that’s still not fun enough for you, tell a small child you’ll give them $5 if they walk up to your problematic uncle and scream “gay rights!”
  9. Invite everyone to sit around the fire. As soon as everyone gets comfortable, start singing an explicit Top 40 hit at the top of your lungs.

10. Steal an entire dish and hide in a room and watch each “Friends” Thanksgiving episode.

11. Wear a hood and put in Airpods ( I know, bougie) and listen to “This American Life” instead of your Aunt Carroll. We are so ~thankful~ for Ira Glass.

12. When your family goes around saying what everyone is thankful for, say, “Tik Tok” and if they do not understand, see number one.

13. Load up on dessert first, because it's #bulkingseason.

14. Tell your family that you're going on a run and then do literally anything else.

15. If any of these tips fail, make a Trader Joe's run and never return.