If there’s one thing we’ve learned from 2020, it’s the limitations of our ability to accurately predict the future. Before this school year began, nobody could’ve foreseen that we’d be in the position we are right now (that is, except for literally everyone, including the many public health experts our beloved administration chose to ignore).
But alas, we digress. The Editorial Board proudly presents our 2021 predictions. Please, don't take us seriously.
- America will be coronavirus-free. Chapel Hill will not. Turns out the University wouldn't be able to distribute the vaccine until a task force created a plan that was sent to another task force for approval before it went to the chancellor to send to the Board of Trustees to the Board of Governors.
- UNC basketball will miraculously return to sparkling form after last season was mysteriously canceled with no explanation.
- Franklin Street will open another underwhelming pizza spot. The aforementioned pizza spot will shut down after four months. What’s important is that they tried.
- President Joseph Robinette Biden will nominate Rameses to the U.S. Supreme Court. Rameses will respectfully decline, because he knows there are far better uses for his time, but it’ll be an incredible PR stunt for the University nonetheless. Applicant numbers will skyrocket — maybe we don’t need a solid basketball team after all.
- Frat Court will be razed and repurposed as a giant outhouse, replacing first floor Davis bathrooms once and for all. We can’t imagine a more suitable transformation!
- Charlie “Choo Choo” Guskiewicz will stage a coup. Like the rest of us, he’s fed up with Kevin’s failures, and he’s decided to take matters into his own hands. Et tu, Charlie?
- Rams will be a five-star restaurant. Lenoir will still be ... Lenoir.
- UNC will, once again, make national headlines for being the worst. What will they do this time? No one knows. But they will do something.
- Silent Sam’s latest hiding spot will be discovered. Plot twist: it’s Joel Curran’s basement.
- The General Assembly will appoint Sidney Powell to the UNC Board of Governors.
- The Hussman School of Journalism and Media will receive a $1 billion donation from Jeff Bezos. No one knows what they've done with the money — the only new course the school will offer is “MEJO 351: How to Singlehandedly Extinguish Local News,” taught by Bezos himself.
- UNC will launch a new app that secretly listens in on all your conversations. Every time you speak poorly of the administration, your registration time gets moved back 15 minutes.