Column: New year, new me!

Editor's Note: This article is satire.

It’s 2022: time for a complete personal rebrand. 

Naturally, everything that we liked last year is now tacky and gauche. I actually always hated it. 

Also, the word “gauche” is in right now — but maybe not for long, so try and keep up.

Take some of 2021’s clothing trends. I’ve been waiting for Y2K to go out of fashion since the minute it debuted. A reminder of the days before COVID-19? A lingering reminiscence of my pixelated, technicolor, Lip Smackers, chip-clip childhood? Absolutely disgusting.

As I Marie Kondo my closet — wait, is Marie Kondo still trending? Oh, not really? 

As I purge my closet, I look forward to whatever new trend will demand a purging of my wallet. Just as new trends come into fashion, my old fast-fashion clothes are falling apart, almost like they were meant to! It's perfect.

Some people might argue, “Oh, but the environment!” 

“You’re filling landfills and polluting the Earth when you buy fast fashion!” 

Luckily, I predict environmentalism is a dying trend anyway. 

Sure, the means of clothing production has an enormous environmental impact, but isn’t my Instagram worth that? Yeah, a singular pair of jeans produces as much greenhouse gases as driving a car 80 miles, but mom jeans are in right now. What do you want me to do? 

Wear skinny jeans? Now THAT is inhumane.

Some say, “You’re supporting huge companies that oftentimes export the means of production to underdeveloped countries through the creation of multinational corporations, may not guarantee worker’s rights and can contribute to a reduction of diversity and the homogenization of world culture!” 

To that I say, "Um, okay. What are you — a political science major?"

Sure, the billionaires who profit off huge corporations don’t seem super concerned about “human rights.” But they do seem to care about other cool things, like space! 

And due to the cyclical nature of trends, I have a gut feeling that we’re on the brink of reemerging respect for galaxy leggings. It sort of feels like everybody is going to get along after that, regardless of income inequality or a lack of rights.

What’s even more exciting than redoing your aesthetic for the new year is, of course, redoing your entire personality. Because this is the only time of the entire year that you can make resolutions, they’ve got to be good.

I, for one, am deciding to keep it simple this year. Becoming the most productive, fit, social, popular and successful version of myself is both easy and entirely doable within the span of a year, so I’m sticking with that as my 2022 resolution.

The beginning of a new year tends to remind us that it is a good idea to link your idea of self-worth to your productivity level and the degree of external validation you’re receiving. Doing this is a good way to measure your personal success and ensure you’re staying on track with your goals, so I’m making sure to keep that in mind too.

Don’t worry if you start to struggle to follow through on your resolutions as the year goes on. As long as it looks like you’re living an unachievable aspiring life, that is all that matters. And if you’re having trouble maintaining that public image, don’t worry about it too much.

Eventually “self-care” will become trendy again, so just hold out until then.

Rebranding yourself for the new year is both great for your mental health and to ensure you have an authentic and enjoyable 2022. Visualizing yourself as something that needs to be “sold” or advertised to a consumer base is both healthy and natural, and definitely benefits our society as a whole. 

I’m thrilled that it’s trending.

Here’s to 2022!

@dthopinion

opinion@dailytarheel.com