Editor's Note: This article is satire.
We all know that as eloquent and articulate as his words can be, Chancellor Kevin Guskiewicz’s emails can be, well, hard to read. Our generation’s attention spans are rapidly decreasing, leaving in their wake a trail of impatience, boredom and a general distaste toward any written work that can’t be found on SparkNotes.
But worry no more, there is no longer a need to put in an Adderall prescription every time another headache (but hopefully not cough, congestion or fever)-inducing COVID-19 update email is sent to the students and faculty of UNC. At The Daily Tar Heel, we have taken it upon ourselves to simplify these Shakespearean-esque soliloquies into a mere couple of sentences:
Translation: Testing will be inaccessible so that the number of positive cases looks lower. If you do have COVID-19, you should probably figure it out yourself elsewhere.
Translation: You need to isolate yourself if you are exposed to COVID-19, but we have gotten rid of quarantine dorms and have nowhere to send you. If you live anywhere that’s not North Carolina, I guess your roommate is in for a stressful next five to 10 days!
Translation: You will very likely get COVID-19 this semester and have to miss class, but professors are not required to stream or record their lectures. Let’s hope you have friends in your classes, or else your GPA is going to drop faster than you can say the word “omicron.”
Translation: Once again, it is your job to find a friend in your classes rather than the professor taking it upon themselves to give you a virtual version of the lesson. Oh, you don’t know anyone in your class? Why don’t you try speaking up in a breakout room of 15 strangers with their cameras off? Have you ever considered taking advantage of Zoom’s private messaging feature?
Translation: Here, we are not so subtly flexing that we are the nation’s leader in infectious disease research, but are also likely soon to be the nation’s leader in infectious disease outbreaks on a college campus.
Translation: Your compliance means everything to us.
Behind all of the three-syllable words and complex syntax is a complete lack of care for the students and faculty during one of the worst COVID-19 outbreaks yet.
I wish I could decipher even more from these emails, but after six hours of nonstop reading, I have a headache like a 7.0 magnitude earthquake. Unless ... I hope it’s not … I'd better get tested.
Has anyone read the emails well enough to know where I can do that?
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