The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Saturday January 28th

Column: A guide for navigating your college breakup

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A week ago, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. This discovery sent me into emotional shambles and I began to struggle to complete basic everyday functions. 

My distress was evidenced by the fact that, the day after I found out he cheated, I put my cereal in the fridge and my milk in the pantry. I also cried profusely throughout my hour-and-fifteen-minute sociology lecture and ate an entire bag of Doritos while watching "Someone Great."

However, after a couple days of this, I decided that enough was enough. I needed to reintroduce structure to my life, so I came up with a multi-step guide on how to cope with a breakup.

Step One

Text his friends. Or, even better — his roommate. Do I need to elaborate? Imagine asking him to leave his own dorm so you and his homie can hang out. Cause chaos. 

Step Two

Join a sorority (or a fraternity) and turn all 200-something members against him. Trust me, your siblings are fiercely loyal and they will definitely hiss at him when they pass him on the street. If you don't want to go Greek, no worries. Any non-Panhellenic organization that meets on a weekly basis is the perfect substitute. 

Step Three

Follow all his favorite male celebrities. If he saw no issue with liking Sommer Ray’s cheeky bathing suit photos during the relationship, surely there’s no harm in following Miles Teller after it ends. Besides, "it’s just a like. Quit being so insecure."

Step Four

Go to the Student Recreation Center at the same time as him and ask the most jacked guy in sight to spot you on the squat rack. Bonus points for getting your new gym buddy’s Snapchat!

Step Five

Just don’t date, especially if you are cursed with both parental issues and an attraction to narcissistic man-babies like me. Double jeopardy, I know. I’m working on it. 

In all seriousness though, don’t let some insecure boy ruin your college experience. Kick him to the curb if he isn’t 110 percent worth the time and effort. 

Step Six (the most important one)

Know your worth. I understand firsthand how this feat is easier said than done. Whenever I see anyone who looks like the girl he's now dating, a lump forms in my throat and I fight the urge to shut down completely. I instantaneously regress into that pitiful version of myself who stuffed chips down my throat and sobbed watching a Netflix rom-com with Dorito dust fresh on my fingers. 

If you are in a similar situation, I am so sorry. You are not alone. 

Whenever you become nostalgic and upset, just remind yourself that your ex’s actions had nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own unresolved issues. Some of the most beautiful, accomplished people in the world were also betrayed by their partners (hey, JLO, Gabrielle Union, Khloe Kardashian et. al). 

You should find empowerment in the fact that you survived a truly heart-wrenching experience, and now the worst is over. Just like Beyonce produced "Lemonade" after Jay-Z’s infidelity, the best revenge is coming out of the relationship stronger than ever with the conviction that you did your best and it wasn’t your fault. 

Remember, you are the one who got away.

@dthopinion

opinion@dailytarheel.com

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