Thesaurus search the 9 floors of Davis Library and you will find that they are almost exactly synonymous to Dante’s 9 circles of hell. Not to be a drama queen, but your opinion of a place tends to be heavily influenced by how many hours you spend doing math homework there. Just like Dante prescribed, as you ascend the floors of Davis, your suffering only increases as studying gets more silent and the studiers lose more hope.
But what about descending through Davis?
There are technically 9 floors of Davis Library. Eight of them are filled with books and tables and uncomfortable seats for students, but what about the basement? Has anyone been to the basement? Has anyone ever talked about the basement? This is a question that has been burdening my heart the past few weeks:
What is in the basement of Davis Library?
We mere mortals have to have special permission to go down there. I’m convinced that the basement of Davis is either the most exciting or most terrifying place on earth. Here are some of my theories.
Trampoline Park
Picture it. Try to tell me that this is not all of your dreams coming true. The floors and walls are plastered with trampolines. It’s impossible to walk without bouncing and I’m pretty sure that just inherently brings happiness. The trampoline park is how Davis Library is able to bribe workers into working there.
Obviously the workers receive salaries, but is that really enough to for them to willingly spend their days cooped up in Dante’s inferno? Probably not. The trampoline park is an incentive to keep the workers happy and fit. Also, it’s a place for them to get out all of their whimsy so that they don’t have to act excited/not like a half-zombie during interactions with students!
A giant collection of jams and preserves
I don’t know. When I think of a basement I automatically visualize a dark dusty room lined with shelves of jams. Now that I think of it, not just jams but also weird stuff like pickled cauliflower. Who decided to pickle cauliflower? I guess some people just really get a kick out of figuring out all the things that can be pickled. We should probably just stick to pickles being pickled. Moral of the story, basement of Davis= pickles.
A club
Bouncer = Kennedy Meeks. This club is strictly for UNC campus celebs. It’s always dark, except for the Carolina blue strobe light that flashes constantly. A giant statue of Rameses (the original gangster real ram) poses elegantly at the entrance. The strobe light pulses through Ramses nostrils. DJ= Carol Folt (Carolin’ Freezy, if you will). Bartender = Pit Preacher Gary. I wouldn’t be surprised if they party down there all day. Think about it, UNC campus celebrities are rarely seen in the daylight.
A portal into the 6th dimension.
If I told you how this is possible, I’d have to kill you.
A large hole that has been physically dug through the earth’s core to reach China.
If anyone is able to do it, UNC is! You may have not been able to dig to China in the sandbox when you were a kid, but that saying has to come from somewhere, doesn’t it?
A cemetery filled with the bodies of all past chancellors.
Okay, this one is creepy, but I see it as a viable theory. It would definitely explain that like-crying feeling that smacks you in the face every time you walk through Davis’ doors.
Though all of these speculations are both probable and likely, I still get the feeling that I haven’t really hit the nail on the head. In this perplexing and upsetting time, I turned to digital production assistant Brielle Kronstedt for guidance. What is in the basement of Davis Library? Brielle said it best: “my soul is in the basement of Davis.”
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