The UNC shuffleboard team advanced to the NCAA shuffleboard championship following a decisive win over the University of Florida Sunday.
When asked about the win, shuffleboard team captain Chris Hardin said “Seriously? That match was two weeks ago.”
Henry Kirkland, a senior on the team, added “Um. We already won the championship. We sent [The Daily Tar Heel] a full article about it. Already written. You did a six-page spread of Brice Johnson’s favorite foods instead.”
The University of Florida’s shuffleboard team has won the NCAA title for the last eleven years. “They have open tryouts and a lot of old people live in Florida. Old people love shuffleboard,” said Hardin.
Hardin continued to say that the absence of Florida’s captain, Harold Williams, played a big part in the win. “He moved to Arizona to hang out with his grandkids more. Also, he said the humidity was bad for his heart. Whatever that means.”