The Daily Tar Heel
Printing news. Raising hell. Since 1893.
Thursday, March 28, 2024 Newsletters Latest print issue

We keep you informed.

Help us keep going. Donate Today.
The Daily Tar Heel
The Onyen

Pretentious life tips written by a twenty-something-year-old blogger

The Onyen is a satire blog and is for entertainment purposes only. All names, references and quotes are made-up. 

  1. Eat unsalted unflavored almonds. Let the blandness clean out your body.
  2. Date someone who reads. Avoid illiterate people at all costs.
  3. Wake up at the crack of dawn. You’ll be exhausted, but you’ll feel so much better than everyone else.
  4. Drink black coffee. (Everyone knows that cream and sugar will corrupt your free spirit).
  5. Walk around barefoot everywhere, all the time. Your blisters and splinters are symbolic of everyday, meaningless struggles.
  6. Sleep on the quad. Sleep in the Pit. Sleep on the floor in the middle of Lenoir. Don’t let society tell you that you can’t.
  7. Buy a random plane ticket to a place you’ve never heard of. Deplete your life savings trying to come home.
  8. Lay in a puddle. Cleanse yourself.
  9. Only eat vegetables. No other foods are good for you.
  10. Go on a mission trip to a poor country. Come back with a new admiration of your materialistic society.
  11. Write blogs full of life advice tips that only work for you, and no one else.



Comments

Special Print Edition
The Daily Tar Heel's Collaborative Mental Health Edition