Kelsey Weekman (“to hate like this is to be happy forever”) and Drew Goins (dook sucks lol) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: My Tinder matches from Duke aren’t responding. How do I spice up the rivalry and maintain our digital romance?
You Asked for It: We know dookies can be smart and kind people, but the air of dookiness masks their seemingly positive qualities. Consider wooing a succubus or a talking warthog first.
If falling for a dookie is your last resort for love, we can help you score the festering heart of one of those blubbering, elitist monstrosities.
Try reverse-catfishing. That’s when you pretend to be someone hideous — like any member of their basketball team — to get their attention, then reveal your true beauty.