Alison Krug (Roy Williams’ pastel menagerie of sports coats) and Kiana Cole (Isaiah Hicks’ sense of childlike wonder) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: What are some things you’d rather do than listen to your friend talk about his Phase 1 Duke ticket?
You Asked for It: Sit in the middle of the Pit during lunch rush on a stationary tandem bike with Gary the Pit Preacher as my tandem bike partner while dance marathoners perform a ritualistic but eerily choreographed dance around the both of us. Fall on the ground while playing that “The Floor is Lava!” game except the floor is actually lava and now I’m sitting in it. Listen to an infinite loop of Ray Romano saying “Debra!” in his Ray Romano voice. Watch that factory video about how chicken nuggets get made while my head is on fire. Eat the inner razor part of a blender. Do my laundry at 3 a.m., except instead of putting my clothes in the washer I put myself in the washer and instead of water I accidentally used hydrogen cyanide and now I’m being tossed around in a machine in a bath of poisonous liquid and no one can hear me because it’s 3 a.m. and my roommate sleeps like during hibernation. If you’re also feeling passive aggressively glum about not getting a ticket to the game and have $5 to your name, cheer yourself up this Friday night with some CHiPs improv! #SponsoredContent
You: I’ve never attended a UNC sporting event, yet I feel very entitled to my Phase 1 Duke ticket. What should I expect at my first ever UNC sports soirée?
YAFI: Mike Krzyzewski once said, “Great rivalries don’t have to be built on hatred. They’re built on respect, on a respect for excellence.”
But Mike Wazowski once said, “Scary monsters don’t have plaque!”
Familiarize yourself with the star players and their accomplishments. For Duke that’s Grayson Allen, TripAdvisor campus rep. For UNC, that’s Justin Jackson and our inexplicable urge to ask him to prom.
Look out for celebrities in crowd! Try to spot regulars like Michael Jordan, Chancellor Carol Folt, the angry Scotsman whose kilt Roy Williams pilfered to make a sports coat, an N.C. State fan who meant to go to early February’s N.C. State game but whose tractor got stuck in heavy traffic, the ghost of Hinton James and high-ranking Carolina Fever members who didn’t get Phase 1 tickets and are starting to wonder why they went to all those swim meets.
Treat your first sporting event a bit like you’d treat a midterm: Cram all the vocabulary, watch the basketball Air Bud movie and hope for the best.
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