Kiana Cole (Worked on a documentary that just premiered!) and Alison Krug (If she married 2 Chainz, their last name could be “Krug Chainz.”) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How do I deal with all this humidity?
You Asked for It: Nothing beats spring becoming summer in Chapel Hill, where the “showers” in “April showers bring May flowers” are really just a mixture of tears and sweat from finals and the sun.
The first-year you that was totally planning on majoring in environmental science before BIO 101 got so hard would be disappointed if you decided not to recycle all that good sweat, though. Better yet — recycle the sweat of the UNCelebrities you find on campus. You thought #HatsByShea was a phenomenon? Just wait till the people get their hands on your freshly vesseled #SweatByShea!
Consider confronting the source of all this discomfort in a Western-style showdown. In between class changes, stare into the sun. Whoever blinks first loses.
You: How do I commune with nature now that I live in a dorm?
YAFI: This warm weather can feel like a taunt from the trees when you spend the majority of your days in your cinder block pied-à-terre.
Bring nature to you with an RHA-approved pet. These include betta fish, small corrals of dorm cockroaches, whatever you find living in the shower drains, a pair of googly eyes stuck on stationery you got from FallFest (limit one per suitemate), any willing ghosts haunting Cobb and goldfish.
Is the commitment of pet ownership not your style? Enroll in YAFI’s flagship Garbage Squirrel Adoption Program: Tell us your favorite trash can on campus and your degree of fearlessness when it comes to scurrying out in front of passersby on sidewalks, and we’ll pair you with a campus squirrel that best suits your personality.
Love half-eaten Alpine bagels and living in actual garbage?
We know the squirrel for you.
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