Kvetching board for July 1, 2010
kvetch:
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kvetch:
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDear vuvuzelas: Why must you make me avoid ESPN at all costs?Dear UK goalkeeper, thank you for screwing up. We love you, the United States.To the person who keeps complaining about having their bike stolen … SPOILER ALERT: Using a lock helps prevent this. Dear Chaco-hater, I hope you trip on your Rainbows or Jack Rogers on the bricks on the way to class.Dear CTOPS parents: No, I do not know what your child’s foreign language is. Let them figure it out.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
kvetch:v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDid the smoke monster leave the “Lost” island and invade South Campus? Oh wait, that’s just the construction.To the girls upset about not having a boyfriend - make an effort. Talk to a guy. You’ll be surprised how often it works. So quit your kvetching.To the guy sitting next to me in Shakespeare, you give “flaming liberal” a whole new meaning.Dear camel toe, leggings are not pants.To the bike gods … This is the third bike I have had stolen this year. Really?!?To the guy next to me in lecture with our class roster and facebook up: please stop creeping on the women in our class.To kvetchers: Is sex all you think about?To the girl smuggling 3 stuffed animals in her backpack. You’re either insane or my new best friend.Why are you wearing Chacos? You’re not trudging through the rainforest, and you’re not forging through a river. You’re walking to class.To the DMV worker at University Mall: I know you hate your life but do you really have to take it out on me and my car registration?Dear new UNC couples: there is a fine line between cute and me wanting to throw things at you.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDear ex-boyfriend: Thanks for almost running me over with your bike. You’ve already crushed me once, you don’t need to do it again.To the man standing uncomfortably close behind me at the Davis ATMs, I just let out an SBD. You’ve been warned.Dear New Jersey: Your shows are like Busch Light — cheap yet satisfying.Guys of UNC: Contrary to popular belief, bathing is still a necessity for picking up girls … no matter how desperate we are.To the girl licking each page of her textbook in Davis and moaning quietly: studying just became all the more interesting.To the person who thoughtfully left lubricant and a condom on my desk in Davis: Thank you for your concern, but my math homework and I are only getting to first base tonight.To the birds that attacked me on the stairs by the Union: a plague on both your nests!To the voice on the intercom in Davis: Why can’t you be as sexy and mysterious as the voice in the UL?To the person at Spencer who continues to steal my bike, and yet brings it back. Uhh …thanks?To the girl wearing a dress and climbing a tree in the Pit: It may look like a tree, but all I see is bush.--Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com subject line ‘kvetch.’
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo the girl in my chemistry class with “think” tattooed above her butt crack: I did, and no thanks.Who do I have to blow to get my kvetch chosen? Dear puke on Stadium Drive I passed this morning: Oh, how I wish to remember if you are mine …To the high school girl I danced with at the 80s dance at Cat’s Cradle: Don’t call your dad. I’ll give you a ride home. It took more time to deliver my sandwich than it did for the Titanic to sink.To the girl on the phone in the Cabaret yelling out her symptoms: I’m no doctor, but I advise you to take a pregnancy test ASAP.Dear hipsters: Why do you pay so much money to look so poor?To the P2P guy who was so drunk that he started hitting on himself in the mirror: Enough said. To my (female) roommate: The ladies in your girl-on-girl porn may not wear bras, but you should. Dear couple doggie-styling on a Merritt Mill fire hydrant two weeks ago: Kind of gross … but also kind of want to try the “fire drill” now. Dear guy in Spencer study lounge discussing your grandfather’s case of herpes: Your family tree is much more interesting than my astronomy book.Dear sorority girls: Wearing Ray-Bans and Chacos does not make you alternative. Dear hungry squirrel: I’m not your personal climbing pole, and these are not your nuts. To my across-the-hall neighbor: It was funny to find you randomly asleep on my couch. It wasn’t so funny when I found pee later.Dear tap water in Craige: I’m not racist, but I hate you for being white. To the violinist in the Hill Hall practice rooms: I seriously thought you were a dial-up connection.Hey Lenoir: I know we’ve only known each other for a year now, but I thought you would at least tell me when you make a major life decision like going down a cup size. Why do anarchists spend so much time in men’s public bathroom stalls?To the kid in my geography class: Stop watching turtle porn!To the guy Googling, “how to teleport into the future” in ANTH 319: I wish this class was over too.Dear workout partner: Stop saying things like, “I felt you come down and just couldn’t push any more” when I’m bench pressing. To the girl who threw up during our SOCI 101 class: I have to pregame to bear it, too. Dear guy in Lenoir wearing pink and purple camouflage: Were you planning on hiding in a gay forest?
Kvetch:
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo the guy sitting next to me in class who got up and moved two seats over when I congratulated you on getting the professor’s question right: Why?To the guy in HoJo who told us to move our pizza box at 12 a.m. and claimed to be an RA: Stop being a creeper.To the person who wrote “I LOVE ANAL” on the back of my pollen-covered car in the PR lot: WTF happened to the classic “Wash Me”?Dear couple who had a make-out session in front of me during the Beethoven Violin Concerto: This is a London Philharmonic concert at Memorial Hall — not some grade D movie at a deserted movie theater.Hey business school hand dryer: Want to get freaky?To the two girls attempting to streak in the quad on Saturday night: Covering yourself up as you run through Polk Place is cheating.To the guys who stand in their yard shirtless on Church Street every day doing manly things: I hear Tool Academy is now taking applications.Dear Chapel Hill drivers: When you decide to stop at crosswalks, I will use the crosswalks.If you put a Wendy’s in the Union, it will actually be environmentally friendly. I won’t need to drive my SUV all the way to Carrboro to get a Frosty.To the girl who threw up during our SOCI 101 class: I have to pregame to bear it, too.To 3 a.m.: We’ve got to stop meeting this way. I’d much rather sleep with you. To the treadmill in the SRC: I agree that the “Cha Cha Slide” is catchy, but “REVERSE REVERSE!” is NOT an appropriate action for a treadmill.Dear workout partner: Stop saying things like “I felt you come down and just couldn’t push any more” when I’m bench pressing.To the basketball players: If only you were as hardcore about the game as you are about Twitter.To the girl smuggling three stuffed animals in her backpack: You’re either insane or my new best friend.To the guy who proceeded to wake the dead with his iPhone in the UL: Ever hear of courtesy? I guess there’s no app for that.Dear guy waving at the fish in the Union: Get a life.Campus Health charged me $7.50 for ONE Benadryl. Is this how they make their money?!To the abled guy who just used the UL elevator: Damn, you’re cute, but are you really that lazy?Dear sexy Chinese 102 prof: You accessorize like a goddess. Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo the guy sitting next to me in class who got up and moved two seats over when I congratulated you on getting the professor’s question right: Why?To the guy in HoJo who told us to move our pizza box at 12 a.m. and claimed to be an RA: Stop being a creeper.To the person who wrote “I LOVE ANAL” on the back of my pollen-covered car in the PR lot: WTF happened to the classic “Wash Me”?Dear couple who had a make-out session in front of me during the Beethoven Violin Concerto: This is a London Philharmonic concert at Memorial Hall — not some grade D movie at a deserted movie theater.Hey business school hand dryer: Want to get freaky?To the two girls attempting to streak in the quad on Saturday night: Covering yourself up as you run through Polk Place is cheating.To the guys who stand in their yard shirtless on Church Street every day doing manly things: I hear Tool Academy is now taking applications.Dear Chapel Hill drivers: When you decide to stop at crosswalks, I will use the crosswalks.If you put a Wendy’s in the Union, it will actually be environmentally friendly. I won’t need to drive my SUV all the way to Carrboro to get a Frosty.To the girl who threw up during our SOCI 101 class: I have to pregame to bear it, too.To 3 a.m.: We’ve got to stop meeting this way. I’d much rather sleep with you. To the treadmill in the SRC: I agree that the “Cha Cha Slide” is catchy, but “REVERSE REVERSE!” is NOT an appropriate action for a treadmill.Dear workout partner: Stop saying things like “I felt you come down and just couldn’t push any more” when I’m bench pressing.To the basketball players: If only you were as hardcore about the game as you are about Twitter.To the girl smuggling three stuffed animals in her backpack: You’re either insane or my new best friend.To the guy who proceeded to wake the dead with his iPhone in the UL: Ever hear of courtesy? I guess there’s no app for that.Dear guy waving at the fish in the Union: Get a life.Campus Health charged me $7.50 for ONE Benadryl. Is this how they make their money?!To the abled guy who just used the UL elevator: Damn, you’re cute, but are you really that lazy?Dear sexy Chinese 102 prof: You accessorize like a goddess. Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo the Manly dorm housekeeper who declared that our elevator doesn’t appear to be working: We don’t even have an elevator.To the bird who pooped on my STOR 415 test: I already thought my grade was BS. Way to pile it on.Dear studious psych major who asked if “hippocampus” was a philosopher: For my sake, I hope you’re never my therapist.Really SRC? You’re going to set the television to Food Network while I work out?Dear guy in Spencer study lounge discussing your grandfather’s case of herpes: Your family tree is much more interesting than my astronomy book.Sorry, emotionally playing an acoustic cover of “Dolla Dolla Bill Y’all” in the quad does not make you artistic.Dear pollen: I am not on my way to the city of Oz. I do NOT need a yellow brick road.Dear summer weather: You are not my ex-boyfriend, but you still came too soon. Trees: I’m excited about spring too, but quit flinging pollen in my face! You cannot fertilize me.Rams Head: I’d gotten used to your greasy pizza, burgers, breakfast, etc., but how can you do that to an apple? Dear answer choice “all of the above”: You instill so much self-doubt in me … or do you?To the girl in the tiny bikini in Lenoir: I was shocked, yet I could not look away … To the guy who hit me with a Frisbee in the quad today: I forgive you, but please never refer to your moobs as rock-hard pecs ever again.To the guy trading fried rice for notes: Why aren’t you in any of my classes?To my professor, who used “swagger” properly when discussing Margaret Thatcher’s economic plan: Bravo. To the three girls on the Student Stores escalator that said “All you need to become an astronaut is something called a feedee … and was spelled p-h-d”: I don’t see much of a future for you guys. To the middle-aged guy blasting Miley Cyrus with the windows rolled down: Is there free candy in the back of your van?To suitemate using Dawn dish soap as body wash: Does one pump get the job done?To whoever stole the TV from the Baptist Campus Ministries: We forgive you because Jesus forgave us.Memo to the Eminem wannabe in the Union: Wearing basketball shorts does not give you a license to fondle yourself in public.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDear UNC housing: You know what you did.Dear professors: Don’t blame me for my terrible grades. Blame Chatroulette.Dear UNC birds: I know you’re excited that it’s finally spring, but isn’t chirping at 3 a.m. a little excessive?Student Stores: Where is my NIT gear? I find it weird that I have to ask.To my roommate’s girlfriend: I know you still think about the time we hooked up whenever you see me in my boxers.Dear Alpine: I know I’m refilling my soda cup for the sixth time, but please control your unpredictable fountain sprayers.I know we are all excited about the nice weather, but let’s not forget the importance of deodorant.To the guy in my biology class that e-mailed the class for a month of notes because you were “sick or busy” this month: I almost did it because you offered to trade fried rice.Dear girl wearing a push-up bra with her hair down at RHRC: Get off the machine. We all know you’re not here to work out.To the guy who rode a Razor scooter around 5th floor Davis: I don’t have anything witty to say to you, I just think your awesomeness should be acknowledged.Dear sorority girls: Wearing Ray-Bans and Chacos does not make you alternative.To my Civil Rights teacher who referred to me as a “rich white boy:” Way to fight racism with assumptions and ignorance!To the girls on 3rd floor Kenan: please stop cooking things that smell like poop. Thanks.Dear campus housing application: You’re such a tease. Can’t you just let me finish?Dear guy who revealed himself to me on Chatroulette: I am not actually in Belgium. I live on your hall.To the guy at Caribou who said he’d like to “be the male icon of sororities:” If sorority girls like tools — you’re already there. Congrats, bro!To the boy on the Hojo balcony playing the Harry Potter theme song on a recorder: Marry me.To guys who like to come up to a group of dancing girls and stand there: Just grow a pair and commit. To the girls taking apple pie shots on the 8th floor of Davis last Thursday: Can we be best friends?To the people who throw recycling in the trash can when there is a recycling bin less than 10 feet away: What exactly is the matter with you?Dear hungry squirrel: I’m not your personal climbing pole and these are not your nuts. Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainIt’s been so much harder to have sex in Davis Library after they raised the doors and installed bigger windows.To the couple watching a foreign film and picking each other’s scalps in Kenan’s lounge: WTF?To the girls who screamed and waved condoms at us out of a car: Yes, we accept these advances.To the guy playing the Taylor Swift songs on the ukulele in Polk Place on Friday: You belong with me.Spider-Man: While you were out protecting the world from all things evil, you left your toothbrush in Lewis Dorm.To the girls urinating outside Kenan Labs on Saturday night: Stay classy.To the girl on the quad Saturday studying for the MCAT who said, “I think I’ve been drunk more than I’ve been to class this week”: Please don’t ever be my doctor.To the guy with the Eraserhead haircut in Davis: Awesome.Dear fellow males bathed in Axe body wash, deodorant, shampoo, and cologne: It works. I want to have sex with you. Now let’s see if any girls do.To the people in the third floor lounge of Craige North: Naked studying?Overheard in the Union: “I tried to tell her about God and she nexted me. I’m bringing the gospel to Chatroulette.”Dear treadmill girl: Did I really see you bring in your laptop and put it on the treadmill so that you could listen to iTunes while you worked out?Dear Joe Biden: You are officially a BAMF.To every male sitting shirtless in the back of his pickup truck in the parking lot of Chapel Ridge trying to get a tan: You’re a tool.To the couple who had sex in Cobb lobby: We know it was Wednesday, but did you have to take hump day literally?To whoever studies in the UL with a pencil eraser that sounds like a guinea pig: It was funny at first, but now it’s just freaking me out.To the girls making bird noises while looking up at the roof of Hanes Art Center: The pigeons on top of the building are not real, so therefore, they will not respond to your bird calls. Sorry.To the person who farted in PSYC class: We all heard you.To the guy shooting people with a banana “gun”: Hilarious. But do you get to do any of that in bed?Having all these fourth- and fifth-grade kids here visiting campus is seriously cramping my swearing.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDear Intro to Country Music: Way too intense.To the dude with the Bob Barr bumper sticker, listening to ‘Single Ladies’ while looking for local shooting ranges: You’re creepy.To my across-the-hall neighbor: It was funny to find you randomly asleep on my couch. It wasn’t so funny when I found the pee later.Dear girl on Chatroulette: I had fun playing drinking games with you. Give me your number.You can call it a “take-home” exam all you want, but you still assigned a 6 to 8 page paper and gave us two days to finish it… in the middle of midterms. Thanks.To the girl waving around her Social Security card during Stats class: I missed a few numbers. Want to just pass it back next time? Or perhaps just read it aloud?To the man in the Teeter with the combover: While washing your hair might make more of it fall out, that would nevertheless reduce the gross factor by about 40 percent.Dear Jasmin Jones: I think Roy is going to have a talk with you on your political conspiracy with the basketball team in stopping the Franklin fires.Dear sketchy man on my floor’s lounge: No, you may not sleep there. Your mustache makes you look like pedophile.WTF DTH, where is “This day in history?!” I need to know why today is important!To the girl blabbing about her ski trip to Vermont: Did you buy that tan there, too? Because you certainly didn’t have it before you left.Dear UNC frat boys: I dare you not to wear khakis.To the girl who played on my opponent’s indoor soccer team: Was that just physical soccer or were we grinding?To the people who regularly take the elevator in my three-story dorm: There’s no way you passed LFIT.Dear Lenoir: I don’t care how small you make the cups, I will still find a way to achieve obesity through carbonated beverages.Dear tap water in Craige: I’m not a racist, but I hate you for being white.The College Republicans elected five executive board members, and the only woman was the secretary?To my roommate who is collecting all her gray hairs in a wig: You need a new pastime. Hey Lenoir: I know we’ve only known each other a year now, but I thought you would at least tell me when you make a major life decision like going down a cup size.Dear NCAA bracket: You may be the higher seed, but I pick the NIT.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainWhat could be better than waking up to the sight, sound and smell of sewage seeping into my room twice in three days?Dear Alpine: It’s not your fault, but I just ate the wax paper.To the guys in my lab: Stop lying to yourselves. Your relationship has moved beyond a bromance.Dear suitemate: It’s sad that the highlight of my day is when I DON’T see you naked.To the dirty, old underwear on the sidewalk in front of Peabody: Where did you come from, and why are you still there?“What he lacks in girth, he makes up for in length” — Seriously, basketball announcer?To the girl on the phone in the Cabaret yelling out her symptoms: I’m no doctor, but I advise you to take a pregnancy test ASAP.To the girl who asked our chemistry professor if she would get an A in the class if she got a 100 on every exam: I don’t think you need to worry about perfect scores. You know it’s a great Valentine’s Day when you try to buy the $5 reject roses for yourself and Trader Joe’s rejects your credit card.To the girl with the purple coat, shoes and hair: Stop stealing my style. Love, Barney.Is it really a surprise that the guy in the dorm most obsessed with ChatRoulette has a pornstache?If half the people that kvetch about someone being so beautiful would just go up and actually say it, that New York Times article might have read very differently.DTH: You reject me more than the entire male gender ever has. Why must you demolish my self-esteem each Friday morning?To my chemistry TA: Could you grade as nicely as you look? To the boy wearing American-flag pants on Monday: Thank you for reminding us all of Presidents Day in your own unique way.To the girl at Rams Head putting ice cream in her to-go box: Really?Wow, DTH. Looks like Candice gives you a Woodcock judging from the size of the picture in last week’s paper.To the girl with the head lamp during the blackout: Were you just spelunking in your room?
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo whoever sent the e-mail to the seniors’ listserv and said N.C. was “2ndth” in the competition for getting new books: Maybe we should donate them to you instead.Dear football players: Why is it that I see you at almost every party, but at the football games you don’t show up?UNC: We don’t want a Wendy’s. We gottawannaneedagetahavea Bojangles’!To the suitemate who always listens to classical music: Your sophistication can get really annoying at 3 a.m.If you’re a sophomore and still replying to listservs saying, “Take me off this listserv,” your admission to Carolina should be revoked.Dear guy handing out socialist propaganda in the Pit: Don’t you find it ironic that your papers weren’t free?Dear automatically flushing toilets at Rams Head: I’m not done yet. No, still not done. Nope, still not — seriously now, stop it.To the ginger dude that works morning shift at the post office: SMILE. Your life can’t be that bad.Dear freshman (I hope): That “big square thing” you are talking about is more commonly called the quad. Please use that name from now on.Dear couple making out at Top of Lenior on Thursday at 12:15 p.m.: The study rooms on the 8th floor of Davis have a more romantic atmosphere.No, kid next to me that missed what the teacher said because you and your girlfriend were just tickling each other in a lecture hall, I will not let you copy my notes from the past few minutes.To the cute boy on my hall: Quit undressing me with your eyes. I know you have a girlfriend.Dear Blackboard: Why are you so needy and force me to close all my browsers JUST to logout? Next, are you going to start sending me e-mails asking me why I haven’t said “I love you” yet?Guy selling magazines: Lacking extra money to spend doesn’t make me a jerk. If you want to go to Spain that badly, get a real job.It may be getting chilly outside but 65 degrees does not mean its time to break out the Uggs. I thought I saw a mouse in the bathroom, but it was just a girl kicking a huge hair clump from out of the shower.To the two guys on the Robertson bus: 1) Yes, they do speak Greek in Greece, and 2) just because you like Lebanese food does not mean that you are qualified to study abroad.To the kid picking his nose in the front of the class: We can all see it when you eat them.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to editdesk@unc.edu, subject line ‘kvetch.’
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainIs it a bad start to a relationship if I found $320 wrapped around a condom in my new girlfriend’s room?“It’s so diverse here” translates to “My high school had no black people.”To the red headed girl who attempted to molest me: No means no. It does not mean try harder.To my drunk friend: My closet is not a bathroom.To the guy who lives upstairs: Please stop banging your guitar… and your girlfriend.Four out of five girls with cleavage agree: There are definitely more creeps this semester.UNC: You take away my free copy of the New York Times yet decide to keep the lights in the football stadium on all night to “break them in”? What the hell.To whoever left feces on my front porch: I hope you get swine flu.Freshman: I’m not sure how your libraries were in high school, but loudly talking across the UL about Facebook and your high school prom is simply not acceptable.Guy in Chem 102: Since when did farting and chuckling to yourself become a great pastime? I don’t know, but thanks for the laughs.When you get to a crosswalk — 1: Look, 2:Hang up/stop texting, 3: Move!To my roommate, PLEASE buy a longer bathrobe. When you come out of the shower in just that, it simply doesn’t cut it.Is it okay for dirty old professors over 40 to check out your bodacious cleavage? Over 50? We gotta know!I’m going to go ahead and rant at myself for printing 1,000 PDF pages this morning. Sorry everyone, I didn’t know they would take so long!My professor said “clitoris” at least 20 times in class today.To the guy in my Spanish 105 class: Your failed attempts to correct the teacher aren’t amusing. Being bumped-up from 101 doesn’t make you a badass.To the boys who stole the sherbet from the stairway during the Hinton James ice cream social: I saw you.To the freshman in GREK 101: Don’t interrupt class to ask if you can use the bathroom; JUST LEAVE. You’re a big boy now! Dear Professor: It’s been the second week of class and I’m already falling asleep. Can we please work on this?Chancellor Thorp: Thanks for not cock-blocking me on the South Building steps the other night. BEST CHANCELLOR EVER!If get swine flu from a guy that I hooked up with at a frat party, does that make it an STI?Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’