James Scalise (mutual fund) and Perry Carter (mutual masturbation) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column.
Results may vary.
You: I’m flirting with this really cute Australian exchange student, but he’s only here till May. Should I stop this before someone gets hurt or throw caution to the wind and see what happens, signed Tsundere from Down Under.
James: Let me tell you about Rafaela. With billowing tresses like the mane of a champion stallion and olive skin as if plucked from the garden of Gethsemane, she for a semester’s time held the key to the heavy chains incarcerating my fragile heart. She sang like music, and danced as if life were a beach. For four months it was Elysium in Chapel Hill; we made love like Katanga lions under the blazing savana sun. We lounged by the river, plucking from the mango trees as the dragonflies performed their mating dance. The month of May crept up on us like a black mamba upon an unwitting springhare, and I watched her aeroplane pierce a low ceiling of stratus clouds, headed where else but Sao Paulo. I now spend my days lost like a goose away from his V formation, desperate to go south to find warmth once again.
Perry: Piggybacking off of that: I’ve never been in love myself, but this one time I had a really good Pop-Tart. This is our story: