“Valentine’s Day,” the new movie by director Garry Marshall, markets the kind of chocolate-box love that ultimately makes you want to gag.
It’s a flat-out disaster, an undeniable mess that has been overstuffed with A-list actors who barely have enough screen time to make an impression.
The film follows a cast of more than 20 characters around Los Angeles on the titular holiday, making lowest-common-denominator jokes and gross generalizations on romance, marriage, cheating, loss, sex and commitment.
Dive verdict: 1 of 5 stars
Audiences may be reminded of “Love Actually,” that endearingly adorable British film where all the characters magically intersect.
Similarly, “Valentine’s Day” also finds inane ways to connect its stars, but what “Love Actually” had was a decent screenplay and the room for good actors to show their range. “Valentine’s Day” has neither. The movie tries its hand at plot twists, though they wind up coming off more like gags than anything else.
The casting is as contrived as the Valentine’s Day clichés that bog the movie down. The list of celebrities crammed in this movie is so long it would take up most of this review. None of the story lines manage to resonate. Marshall is no Robert Altman, and it shows.
Appearances of bona fide movie stars like Julia Roberts or Jamie Foxx feel more like cameos than starring roles.
Ashton Kutcher disappoints as the centerpiece of the story who conveniently owns a flower shop. And suffice it to say that Taylor Swift’s debut film performance is enough to make you hope that it’s her last.
