Green's `Freddy' Scrapes Bottom of Barrel

Freddy Got Fingered
0 stars

Although the experience would probably be somewhat similar, I can honestly say that I would rather be trapped inside a Port-a-Potty on a hot August day than ever have to watch "Freddy Got Fingered" again.

This movie defies any description of just how terrible it is. At the same time, however, I am hesitant to give MTV-gross-out-shock-comedian Tom Green the sort of negative feedback he seems to want.

Like the bad kid in the back of the class, it seems it would be best to ignore him -- you get the feeling he wants people to say, "Whoa, yeah, Tom Green -- he made the worst movie of all time!!!"

So let's not give him that. This is not the worst movie of all time. The worst movie of all time would be laughably bad.

"Freddy Got Fingered," on the other hand, is poised at just the right awfulness so that it is painfully, painfully, painfully unfunny.

And in the true spirit of Tom Green, I can honestly say this:

Top 10 Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch This Movie (That Also Appeared in This Movie):

1. Bite through the umbilical cord of a newly-delivered baby with my teeth.

2. Tape said umbilical cord to my own stomach and walk around like that.

3. Dress up in the bloody carcass of a run-over deer.

4. Fondle the genitalia of a male horse.

5. "(See above)" of a male elephant.

6. Lick the bone poking through the open wound of my friend.

7. Watch while my father jiggles his naked butt at me.

8. Work in a cheese-sandwich factory.

9. Cane my paralyzed girlfriend.

10. Tie sausages to my finger and play the keyboard (and no, contrary to popular belief among those who have seen the preview, this scene does not turn out to be funny).

There were some good things about this movie. The theater seats were quite comfortable. And the previews were excellent.

The poor friend whom I dragged along to see this movie (and who also hated it) did offer the theory that perhaps Green is a comic genius, and his movies are more indicative of the moronic state of society than the idiocy of Green himself.

While there's definitely something to this theory (plus the fact that several people did actually pay to attend the showing we saw, and these same people actually laughed a few times, whether out of delight, anguish, discomfort or gas pains, we cannot be certain), I still maintain that to be called a comic genius one must first actually be a comic.

So, there is no good reason to see this movie -- unless all of your friends and acquaintances have died and you have suddenly lost your hearing and vision -- and even then, I still wouldn't go see it.

The Arts & Entertainment Editor can be reached at artsdesk@unc.edu.