Brew, Blondes, and Bacchus: A Covert Guide

Secondly, this article is in no way an attempt to point out the absurdities, irregularities or inconsistencies plaguing our current morally upstanding fascist policy regarding our carousal.

Now that we understand each other, it seems a suitable time to debauch my own credibility while providing invaluable information to those who have heard drinking may be an integral part of your college experience -- it will be. (To those incoming freshman whose parents may still be in town today, tell them The Daily Tar Heel is not worth the paper it is printed on and to hit the road before traffic on I-40 gets too bad.)

Your First Alter Ego and Using it Well

As someone who spent years changing names, astrological signs and ethnic descents (all for the simple pleasures of alcohol), I'm here to offer as much insight as I can into the world of "not genuine" identifications (I loathe the word fake here because what you have is a valid identification card, though for someone who doesn't exist or that isn't you.)

First, make sure you weren't born before Star Wars came out (if you don't know when that is make good use of your spanking new CCI computer and find out). You may have looked old in high school, but if you're going out with a group of legitimate 21 year olds, it'll be tough to convince someone that you're of age if you are still sporting page 37 of the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog.

Also, try your best to match basic ethnic backgrounds. My first name (back in the day) was Krishna followed by a last name I couldn't pronounce. Needless to say, no one fell for it. Take that ID right back to that sleazy guy who sold it to you in the first place and threaten to turn him in unless he changes the name to something with a nice church-going ring.

Now guys, I'm sorry here, all the ladies got you beat (if you didn't know that already).

To all of you blonde-haired girls out there, keep hitting the dye and try your best to go by Christina or some other holy namesake. Those stern bouncers will never turn away a blonde who has a close relationship to Hey-Seuss.

Staying In

If you're one of those homebodies who prefers to get loaded and have your own bathroom to unload, I've got some advice for you as well.

Find a pal from high school, pledge a fraternity or make friends with that lonely senior down the hall. When you do, a $5 "thanks for breaking the law" fee is customary and the minimum expected amount, although more is always appreciated.

Once you've scammed your way into some booze, if you live on South Campus, feel free to bring it up the side steps. Let's be honest, I think even the RAs down there know how bad the University screwed you over. So they will let a few beers slide (with a few for them of course). Mid and North campuses are a little trickier, but with a little creativity, I'm sure you can manage.

Sorry again guys, but the girls got you here, too.

If my memory serves me correctly, most of the freshman ladies have already lined up a boyfriend(s) at N.C. State to take care of these petty details.

And fellas, if you are itching for a hookup and you are legal, consider a future as a RA. (Note: The gals in Granville all drive 4-Runners and have Daddy's credit card -- take that for what it is worth.)

So what did we learn on our first day of school? Follow your Bacchanalian instincts (Roman mythology, come on y'all), and don't get caught.

Also, look out for the newest in University propaganda telling you not to get wasted or drink Ralph beer. Aside from the ads making good wallpaper, they also are pretty good for cleaning up after your dog or your best friend.

Perhaps Homer Simpson said it best when he toasted, "To alcohol ... the cause of and solution to all of our problems."

Josh Baylin was once an avid Photoshop user but is convinced that you can no longer make IDs on your home computer. If you disagree please e-mail Screw_the_ALE@yahoo.com.