State Assembly Just Another Crafty Hooker

The bruising is slowly subsiding, but I'm not sure it's safe to remove the package of frozen peas from off my bum.

Thankfully, however, the General Assembly left my wallet much lighter than they found it. So now that its bulkiness has been depleted I should not worry about aggravating my bruises when I slip it into my back pocket.

Seriously, after that jump out of the bushes, pull-down-our-pants rump-paddling, the least these legislators can do is give us some sort of compensation for our placid cooperation.

And no, I'm not referring to a reach around.

This whole situation reminds me of something I was watching the other night as I dozed off on the couch.

There was this guy and girl dining in a candlelit Italian restaurant. As the guy reached for the check, his lady friend leaned across the table to whisper into his ear. She invited the man back to her place and promised him an evening he would never forget.

After stepping across the threshold of the lady's apartment door, the man was hustled toward the bedroom. Stripped and tied to the brass bedposts, the man awaited said "evening he would never forget."

But just when the girl had prepared to mount her invited guest, she rolled off his lap and began to quote her hourly rates.

Stunned by the unexpected turn of events, the fettered hands of the man could offer no resistance, and he was coerced into surrendering his cash to the crafty hooker.

I guess we weren't the first people to be retroactively screwed.

And seeing that there is no action any of us can undertake to undo what has been done, I'm not going to dwell on the underhanded nature of the tuition hike or the lopsided burden placed on out-of-staters.

Rather, I would prefer to use my remaining space to suggest a couple ways to earn back those lost funds.

My first suggestion is not something that you can do quite yet, but I'd urge you to keep it in the back of your head years after you have flipped the tassel on you graduation cap.

The University not only receives funds from students -- alumni also share the burden. Their payments, however, are voluntary. So years down the line when I get my suggested alumni donation letter, I will calculate my givings by evaluating how many extra dollars I spent retroactively (adjusted for inflation of course), and subtract this from my sum.

Perhaps I will still resolve to donate more money years down the line, but I'm in no hurry to procure my complementary Carolina Alumni bumper sticker.

If you are in a greater rush to find cash to supplement living expenses or Spring Break vacations, there are still a few options available.

Unfortunately most clubs, frats and religious groups have already had their initial interest meetings, so there are few opportunities left for free dinners.

Also, it's going to be a couple months before you're capable of scalping your basketball tickets (that is if the Carolina Athletic Association opts not to rig its system) -- so that option is a dead end as well.

Personally, I like nothing better than to get paid after kicking up my feet to relax. And no, I'm not talking about prostitution. I'm referring to pimping out my blood. If you are not fazed by needles and have an hour to kill, I'd highly recommend visiting Sera-Tec Biologicals to donate some plasma. Not only is the environment conducive to studying, there's no better way to hasten a buzz on a Friday night.

Similar cash routes include overnight drug studies and egg and sperm donations. Just to be clear, it's not a good idea to go up to random people and offer these services. I know I'm not going to want to come bail you out of jail during the middle of the night.

Oh yeah, and if you're really desperate I think there are a few places hiring around here. But if you have little experience waiting on tables, I'll see you at the blood letting center.

Michael Carlton is currently pumping his fist violently in an attempt to fill a bag full of blood. Once revitalized with the sanitary saline solution, he will be happy to answer your queries at carlton@email.unc.edu.