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The Daily Tar Heel

Uncle Sam the Pimp: Support Your Local Ho

No, I can't say I have either.

Yet there is a correlation between spreading legs for cash and flushing out a uterus. The commonality might not jump out and beat you about the neck and face with clarity, so allow me to expound on my meaning.

Pro-choice advocates use the very simple argument that a woman has the right to do as she pleases with her body. This is fallacious at best. If it were true, a woman (or man for that matter) could consensually offer her (or his) body to the highest bidder. Yet this is illegal. Whoring out your body is a private matter that should skirt past governmental morality regulations with no more difficulty than it takes to abort a fetus.

Putting aside the moral and philosophical implications, of which I could hardly scratch the surface in my allotted space, why permit one and not the other?

Back-alley mom-and-pop abortion clinics used to kill lots of people. The victims of this covert process were not the dregs of society (i.e., losers who can't get laid and hookers loitering on street corners). Prostitution, however, deals exclusively with these insalubrious individuals. Politicians have no qualms about putting less savory individuals at risk and thus uphold the laws that created this underground sex market.

So why not decriminalize prostitution here in Uncle Sam's backyard? It's legal in sparsely populated regions of Nevada. But don't fly out to Las Vegas just yet. Prostitution is illegal in Nevada's larger cities. I'm sure you could find a call girl on the Vegas strip, but there's no guarantee she has neither an STD nor a penis. How can a law based in morality be applied geographically? Prostitutes in Nevada register with local authorities and work in licensed brothels adhering to strict laws. Streetwalking is prohibited. Health checks take place twice a month. These ladies also work as independent contractors. So, in effect, these laws fight the spread of STDs, keep the harlots out of sight and mitigate the chances of either party enduring abuse. Well ... abuse that wasn't paid for by some masochist in a business suit.

Legalizing prostitution might express de facto governmental support for this institution, but it surely won't promote the practice's acceptability. Nobody applauds the guy that walks into the video store's back room. The negative stigma tied to paying for sexual entertainment will continue to exist.

Providing for the safety of deviant and prudish citizens alike, the U.S. government would be wise to run superfly pimps everywhere out of business and take over the industry's reins. Governmentally regulated prostitution would greatly decrease the rape and assault inflicted on call girls who are too afraid to report attacks. Talking to cops about problems with your pimp isn't a good career move.

And no, this isn't going to encourage more men and women to succumb to the glamour associated with whoredom. The unfortunate souls leading these lives were likely sexually abused as children and/or chose their career because it was the most viable option.

Whether or not to put your body on the auction block is a rather cut-and-dry question. If you're convinced to hook after haggling over your price, then the whole self-respect and morality thing was never really present.

Hooking is about the money. It's not like an internship. Hookers don't do it for the experience. The perks suck, but it pays better than busing tables at Denny's.

Can the government combat this allure of money? Reducing prices may discourage some possible applicants, but demand among lonely perverts would skyrocket and recreate underground prostitution rings. Some economically astute pimp would surely attempt to undercut the government's price and steal market share. The government should be able to out compete the illegal prostitution rings, however, by offering their stable of hoes both safety and higher wages.

Overhauling the moral framework of American society is not likely to happen any time soon. So I guess the only words of advice I can offer my lonely, law-abiding, morally lax readers would be to place an order for a Filipino mail-order bride. Yeah, buying a wife is much less morally reprehensible than buying sex.

Michael Carlton would like to wish a happy 21st birthday to Meg and Laurel, who provided no inspiration whatsoever for this column. Really, they didn't. Proposition him at carlton@email.unc.edu.

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