Ending With An Invitation And a Toast

The movie's tagline is as follows, and I quote: "The Black Godfather is back ... and there's gonna be hell up in Harlem." Following the huge success of "Black Caesar," "Hell Up in Harlem" follows Tommy Gibbs, the biggest gangster in Harlem, in his quest to re-establish himself as the biggest, baddest gangster in town.

As it is probably apparent, through I hope not through too much contemplation, I am not black. With the gentrification of Harlem (and several other urban areas across the country) however, I felt the time was right for a young, aspiring Jewish gangster to make his mark in a small town before I venture back North to reclaim the fertile territory I once ruled.

That's right, long before I was ever a newspaper-writing, self-deprecating, big-word-using, offensive-and-stereotypical-phrase-dropping "mo-fo," I commanded the Little League pitcher's mound and could have been considered the swingset tsar.

That being said, I can openly admit that my best days are behind me. So, much like Tommy Gibbs, my gang had been dismantled by the authorities, my ex-wife wouldn't speak with me, and I no longer held seven prostitutes on either arm and sported a feather-topped fedora.

I was on top of the world, but it all went sour when I kicked a 35-yard field goal at 12 years old - the only problem was that it was during a soccer game with the loss on the line. The next week basketball season opened, and, still in that same rut, I fouled a 3-point shooter up by two with one second left on the clock. I think you know who won the game.

That's when I starting tying up the 'ole elbow and giving her the "Trainspotting" treatment.

But if Harlem can reinvigorate our dubious ex-president, it can do the same for me.

So let's go back through this and make sure you understand. I am the Black Godfather. As a columnist (to dismiss some people's incorrect assertion, I am not a journalist), I did my best to bring a little hell up into a little place some call Blue Heaven but I like to call Blue Harlem.

After 15 weeks though, I think I failed.

Sure, a cappella groups across America hate me, fraternity guys think I stereotype them, religious groups think I need some sort of divine intervention, but you all stink!

You stink because any time I stretched to make a point, you saw only the stretch and not the point.

Maybe it's my fault.

In trying to confront the complex energy situation the United States faces, you saw only a SUV-driving, mopheaded fraternity stereotype that hindered my argument. I thought you'd be clever enough say "ha, ha another DTH guy's picking on a fraternities, but look at what he says after that -- we're actually lining the pockets of our enemies and on a daily basis!" -- a valid point, I thought.

But you didn't. You said, "That jerk, my dad paid good money for my Yukon, and I ain't gonna give it up no way no how. On top of that, I'm gonna buy more gas from Saddam just to piss these goddamn liberals off!"

Good decision.

Talking with some of you though, I realized I got through a little bit, and that's all I tried to do.

The German writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said, "He who does not expect a million readers should not write a line." One million might be a bit high for Blue Harlem, but I expected every single one of you to read and pass a column around if you saw fit.

I'm glad that not all of you agree with me but you kept reading. I'm glad that some of you have felt so passionately one way or the other to e-mail me. And I'm glad that a few of you still respect me.

In an effort mend wounds, I am inviting the entire school out for a drink tonight. I am entirely serious. Give me your teachers, your provosts, your huddled freshman yearning to leave South Campus. And you better be out there, Julius. The first glass gets tipped back at 10 p.m. at Bub O'Malleys. It's '80s night, and they got shuffleboard. I probably won't be able to outwit you, but I'll take you in shuffleboard!

Josh Baylin invites THV to serenade him and any employer in the Triangle to offer him a job in person tonight. He is willing to accept e-mails this week but is looking forward to a toast. Contact him for further details at jbaylin@email.unc.edu.