There's always something more we wanted to say, to do or to see. For me, it's my last column -- and there's quite a bit I haven't said or done. So here's my last-ditch attempt to speak my mind while I still have a soapbox and a semi-captivated audience (which undoubtedly dwindled to my family, my friends, and the few people I bribe to read it).
Readers, you are probably scanning this column in between furious last minute note-taking, so I'll make it easy -- here's a list of what topics I meant to address and never had the chance:
1. Thank all the little people. To everyone who's 4-foot-10 and under on this campus, I can relate. We conquer hardships that others simply don't understand -- reaching for things, not having our feet touch the floor when sitting in a desk or seeing over the steering wheel. Reason: Under N.C. law, those 4-foot-10 and under are legal midgets and handicapped. Poking fun at the handicapped would have been so un-P.C.
2. Explain my title. Monday's columnist, Mojo, had readers thinking he spread STDs. Readers might have thought my title "Over My Head" meant I was a flaky twit. In fact, a few of you wrote in saying that I was. Surprise! I'm not dumb. I'm short. Reason: Why explicate this verity when it was invariably evident in my plethora of columns?
3. Apologize to the administration. I publicized that they know nothing about students. Reason: It's hasn't dipped below 32 degrees in hell yet.
4. Admonish Bush. Deplore him for not signing the Kyoto protocol as part of his environmental policy. Reason: Dubya doesn't have an environmental polity.
5. Explain that proselytizers are Satan incarnates. I don't care if you agree with Marty or not -- shut up. College is the time to mature and to realize not everybody thinks like you. Others aren't wrong -- you are just ignorant. Reason: Religious salespeople suck. Why waste space reiterating what everyone already knows?
6. Mock people who tell me "Write about me!" They may say they're joking, but people who aspire to be glorified on a college newspaper's edit page are sick, twisted, pathetic nimrods begging for attention. Reason: They can take out a personal ad.
7. Lampoon the Faculty Council's attempt to take over athletics. Last month, Sue Estroff told the Knight Commission that faculty wants a hand in the Department of Athletics' spending, scheduling and coaches' salaries. Right. Who runs this school, lady? Which programs operate in the black? Reason: Professors more important than basketball? At UNC? I am not wasting my time.
