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The Daily Tar Heel

Don't Stand Up Another Moderate Man

Just like how the American voting public holds disdain for a moderate politician, the eligible American female, it would seem, loathes the guy that is moderate in every way and therefore just like every other guy. And understandably so. There's nothing about being moderate, whether you're a politician or a guy just trying to get a date, that is appealing.

This is true, really. To prove my point, I would like to introduce you to the Centrist party, "America's Choice for Moderate and Practical Politics." Admittedly, the party is only two years old, but the chance of it ever getting a vote in this country is right up there with me ever getting a successful date. What is the party's main problem? The answer is in this little gem from its Web site:

Mission Statement

Recognizing the freedoms granted to citizens of this democratic republic, and recognizing the productive role government should play,

The Centrist Party's mission is to

And that's where it ends. Honestly.

The Centrist party has no mission, no solutions and obviously no problems with half-assing things. Its Web page looks to be about as well-thought-out as my fourth-grade science project, "How the Sun Affects the Earth," which was a fairly accurate compilation of what the Encyclopedia Britannica and my dad had to say on the matter. Instead of developing any coherent party line, Centrists are no doubt too busy sitting around in someone's moderately priced apartment, sipping on lukewarm decaffeinated coffee, munching on a handful of off-brand strawberry-flavored wafers and bemoaning in a reasonable tone their overt practicality and sensibility.

Imagine an interview with a Centrist -- I'm sure it would go a little something like this:

Q: Thanks for coming in and talking with us today, Mr. Curry.

A: Oh, you can call me Arthur.

Q: Alright Arthur -- tell me, where does the Centrist party stand on stem cell research?

A: Well, we know about it.

(pause)

Q: And?

A: We don't have any solutions. But we support rational decision-making!

Q: Ok. Uh ... how about abortion?

A: We're not really sure. But we support practicality and pragmatism!

Q: And taxes?

A: We're stuck between raising and lowering them. We might also keep them right where they are, but either way, we want to do what is reasonable.

Q: So, um, why ... why would we vote for you?

A: I'm not sure -- hey, did you know that I can talk to fish?

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The fact of the matter is that the Centrist party is as integral to the American political landscape as Aquaman is to the Super Friends. Sure, he probably has just as big of a locker in the Hall of Justice as Superman, and he can strut around proudly in his orange chain mail because the earth is about 75 percent water, but the fact of the matter is that Aquaman is as intimidating as a bowl of cherries and as exciting as a broken toilet seat.

Silly metaphors about underwear-clad superheros and bland moderate politics aside, the fact remains: I can't get a real date. While a large part of me subscribes to the "just-be-yourself" theory, the rest of me would much rather be Batman, or even Green Lantern, than be that silly and foolish Aquaman, who at best pacifies barnacles and strikes fear deep in the hearts of shoplifters. Hell, I bet even Jimmy Olsen gets more play than I do just by saying he once saw Superman.

Trust me, I'm the last person to get down on myself, but unless America's tastes change, moderate politics, Aquaman and my love life are all out of luck.

Eugene Kim has been stood up more times than a broken picture frame. Offer him your condolences at chinook@email.unc.edu, or maybe you could just apologize, Carrie.

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