Attention All Singles; It's A Conspiracy

And I have some good news -- it's not entirely our fault. Actually, it's not our fault at all.

We singletons sit around our apartments eating bon-bons, watching "Sleepless in Seattle" and feeling sorry for our pathetic, lonely lives, and yet we're not even to blame!

Society programs us to think about pairs in practically every aspect of our lives.

I'm not just talking about how each article in Cosmo is titled "You and Your Man: Are You a True Match?" This is just an obvious example of how society plays on our desire to be mated.

But I'm actually talking about subliminal messages here. Society is trying to make us feel lonely and depressed about being single without coming right out and hitting us in the face with it.

Their message remains clear: Singletons are pathetic losers without a drop of hope of one day being happy in life.

Let's look at some examples of how pairs are everywhere.

Two sides of a coin. Two lenses in glasses and sunglasses. Two eyes, legs, arms and ears. It's always buy one, get one free, as if you can actually go through one head of iceberg lettuce before it gets bad, much less two heads in one week. There are two seats in a sports car.

Kids draw two leaves on their flower stems when they're little. They even sell shoes in pairs for Pete's sake! Come on.

At least in recent years society has relaxed on it a little. Now you can buy your two-piece bathing suit in "separates" (this must be the new "PC" terminology for alone). But the list doesn't end there. In many restaurants, you're served with two pieces of silverware -- a fork and a knife. There are two hands on a clock (wait ...).

Well, there are two extra buttons when you buy a sweater, anyway.

You win tickets in twos when you call in to the radio station. You're supposed to have children in twos, as family vacations come in fours for two parents and two kids. There are two dishes for pets -- water and food. Two printers at Davis constantly humming. Two pant legs, two backpack straps, even doubles in tennis!

Lights are either on or off, doors are open or closed. Double beds, double sheets and double comforters merely drive the knife in a little deeper.

There are two doorways into most establishments and two bathrooms in restaurants. There are two sides of a booth (don't even get me started on the couples that unnecessarily share the same side of the booth). People have twins! It's a conspiracy.

A pen is made to fit in its cap. A phone has a cradle. There's a washer and a dryer. There are two sockets in each plug outlet and billboards have two sides. There are almost always two numbers in a speed limit sign. Cops have partners.Two lanes when you drive. Two blinkers in your car. Your car isn't cool unless it has a radio and a CD player.

No one sleeps with just one pillow, and there are two remotes in most every household. Raisin Bran says two scoops for breakfast, and who ever eats just one cookie? Peas and carrots are match made in heaven. Ice cream has a cone.

Introduction and conclusion. Coach and assistant coach. Grandma and Grandpop. The Cat in the Hat. It's like nothing can be on its own.

The two-for-two combo at McDonald's takes the cake. Now if that isn't the most glaring insult, I don't know what is. I mean, who can really eat two biscuits in the morning or two Big Macs for lunch?

Such a combo is made for people on a romantic date looking for a good deal. Clearly the bigwigs over at the corporation of McDonald's have decided to jump on the bandwagon in "subtly" informing the loser status of all single people.

Despite all this bad news, we singletons haven't lost all hope yet. We're still fairly young, good looking and probably in the pickup-line prime.

Our situation isn't entirely desperate. To get a date, just call up one of the numerous singles lines and tell them you have two breasts.

Johanna Costa can be reached at costa@email.unc.edu.