While "Crush" has been billed as a sort of girls'-night-out emotional bender, it would be more appropriately described as a mindless journey through a room-temperature piece of Swiss cheese.
Not only is the material relatively uninteresting, far from heart-warming and trite, it is one of the most uncharming British comedies ever shipped stateside.
"Crush" (more aptly called "Sad Fuckers Club" in its homeland) focuses on the lives of three gin-drinking, cigarette-smoking, 40-something women who desperately need to get laid. Best friends and true compatriots Molly (Anna Chancellor), Janine (Imelda Staunton) and Kate (Andie MacDowell) find in each other what they can not find in a man.
Mind you, there are no pillow fights, no scary hair dying scenes and no moments when a girl would just want to scream, "Like, oh my God, I am so like her!" But there are plenty of chocolates, introspective conversations about marriage and sly sideways glances.
But what makes "Crush" individualistic is its tendency toward soft porn. Playing the school teacher/headmistress role to the letter, MacDowell sheds her "Groundhog Day"-type innocence, and her clothing, when she develops a crush (surprise!) on the town's newest addition, Jed (Kenny Doughty), the church's organ player.
As Kate and Jed's relationship develops, so do the sex scenes. The film's material seems hardly appropriate: You can do it in the graveyard, you can do it in the cloister, you can do it in your friend's house, but heaven forbid one decent bedroom scene with some intimacy.
Rather Kate, who is of course Jed's former English teacher, and her 25-year-old boy toy revel in the unadulterated pleasures of vigorous and spontaneous sex. But it's not sex; it's a verb they won't let me use here.
And in that verb "Crush's" message is encapsulated -- get married and breed before you get too old, otherwise you will find yourself climbing the rungs of middle age's hangman's ladder with your equally sad friends in tow. Unless you fall in love with your 25-year-old boy toy.