Unusual Things Happen When DTH Columnists Get Together

If I had a nickel for each time I've been asked that question! Well, for the curious, I've been hanging out with my fellow columnists!

We've been five peas in a pod. From matches of disc golf to Thursday nights at Players to enjoying French films at Michael McKnight's place -- you name it, we've done it together.

All right, I admit it. This hasn't really been the case. Although we all made one common appearance on STV, we've not spent much time together.

But what if we had a long dinner one night? What would it be like?

Well, in order to satisfy my curiosity, I've constructed a simulation. All of the following statements by my fellow columnists are taken directly from their columns this past semester. Are these their statements? Yes. Are their statements taken out of context? You bet.

Let the simulation begin!

Jim Doggett: Hey everyone, what did you think about my column?

Dan Harrison: "It rises out of the dust like an enormous middle finger pointed squarely at the rest of the country."

Tiffanie Drayton: "The messages are distorted and irresponsible."

Joseph Rauch: "I'm thoroughly convinced me and few buddies could have trained a drunken monkey to write a better ..."

Jim: I know it's been bad some weeks but ... whoa, Dan, are you OK?

Tiffanie: "I can see you cringing now."

Jim: Michael, will you please stop kicking Dan under the table?

Michael McKnight: "U.S. patriots are all wrong, at least in the eyes of The Daily Tar Heel columnist Dan Harrison!"

Jim: Is that any reason to kick him?

Michael: "He is not afraid to use weapons of mass destruction against even his own citizens!"

Dan: "Little could be further from the truth!"

Joseph: "People are just looking for reasons to have at each other."

Tiffanie: "We quarrel with, look down on and detest each other, and that's sad."

Jim: Wow, let's move on to a new subject! Do you wish you could write one more column on a topic you've neglected this semester? If so, what would you write about?

Tiffanie: "Inequality, injustice and unfair power structures, and anyone who supports these things."

Joseph: "Gay men are effeminate, jocks are stupid, and the French smell."

Michael: "Social Security privatization is a risky proposition -- at least if Erskine Bowles is the person managing your money."

Dan: "Jordan's championship winning shot in 1981."

Jim: Wait, didn't we win in 1982? Whoa, Joseph, are you OK!?!

Tiffanie: "I can see you cringing now."

Jim: I can't believe that group of sorority girls, Lenoir workers and vegans just attacked you!

Michael: "Sorority girls are great."

Jim: I didn't catch what that one sorority girl said when she walked by. ... Tiffanie, did you hear?

Tiffanie: "Castration is supposedly a thumbs-up solution."

Jim: Well, I gotta go. But first, have you all learned anything new about yourselves from writing your columns?

Michael: "I am struggling with some sort of repressed socialistic tendencies."

Dan: "At 21, as I have recently discovered, you become eligible to join the Hair Club for Men."

Joseph: "If I want to hit myself in the head with a 10-pound sledgehammer repeatedly, I can do that."

Tiffanie: "Praise me or condemn me, love me or hate me. It's all interchangeable."

Jim: Well, I guess our 15 minutes is up! It's been fun; see all of you later!

E-mail Jim Doggett at jdoggett@email.unc.edu.