Halloween on Franklin Street would be great campaign stop

George W. Bush and John Kerry are undoubtedly missing out on the greatest campaign opportunity of the election season.

On Sunday, just a little after dark, every important social and political leader, icon and hero - regardless of ideology or ability to keep a biorhythmic beat - will converge on a half-mile strip of asphalt.

Just think of the photo opportunities. A mere two days before the election, Bush could be seen shaking hands with Mother Teresa.

This not only would show his commitment to serve the needy but also would prove his spiritual superiority - or at least his qualification for a possible role in "The Sixth Sense 2: I Schmooze with Dead People."

Meanwhile, Kerry could hold confession with the pope to receive absolution for his pro-choice, pro-stem cell research and pro-civil unions stances and to elevate himself to No. 1 in the hearts of Catholic voters. And during his penance of 10,000 Hail Marys, he might be surrounded by another 10,000 Our Ladies of Bangkok and other Not-So-Virgin Marys.

Bush could meet and greet a brigade of extraterrestrials to show that he has nothing against aliens and that he really wants to give this immigration policy thing a try. Kerry could arm wrestle the Terminator to demonstrate that he's no girly man.

The president might then have a little verbal sparring with Puff the Magic Dragon to emphasize how serious he is about the war on drugs.

Kerry could challenge a variety of Charlton Heston characters - perhaps Moses and Ben Hur - to a friendly chariot race in hopes of launching his popularity with the National Rifle Association.

And if Dick Cheney wants to tag along, he can bag an unsuspecting Daffy Duck to gain the approval of his "fellow sportsmen."

Speaking of fellow sportsmen, Kerry might be able to get a big hug from Chuck Amato, winning him the love of N.C. State fans - or at least the one who e-mailed me a few weeks ago to state, "If I were half of a man that Chuck Amato is, I would laugh when we beat you Tar Holes and you cry like you're going to cry when Kerry gets beat."

And Bush would have the opportunity to stand by his "W is for Women" claim if he spends some quality time with the free mammogram machine - which is, for those who have never witnessed it, a young man sporting a box with breast-shaped holes at eye level.

Furthermore, approximately 70,000 members of the voting public are estimated to be present in their most open-minded disposition of the year.

Lots of them might even be persuaded to keep vigil throughout the night and to hit up nearby polls at sunrise with a candidate they previously loathed but have befriended after a few beers.

By now, I am sure the Prez and the Hopeful are practically begging to know where this peerless bipartisan jamboree will take place and why their invitations got lost in the mail.

The spot is Franklin Street in Chapel Hill - and those invites didn't get lost. We never sent 'em. Democratic bunch that we are, no one gets invitations. If you want to come, you just show up. And truth be told, with all the candidate masks being sold in recent weeks, we'll probably have too many Bushes and Kerrys running around here, as is.

But if George and John want to come, they'd better get themselves some more creative "October disguises."

Seeing as how the debates resembled scripts from "The Ren & Stimpy Show," perhaps they could go as the paranoid chihuahua and the big dumb cat.

Ren constantly warns us of impending doom and conspiracy, and he raves, "Stimpy, sometimes your wealth of ignorance astounds me."

And then Stimpy plays the "Happy Happy Joy Joy" record to remind us that we're all supposed to be having a good time here. "That's right! I'll teach you to be happy! I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!"

As for their sidekicks, the teeth-flashing John Edwards would make a lovely crocodile. And Dick Cheney can go as the Crocodile Hunter.

Regardless, on Sunday night, we in Chapel Hill will be blessed to have the wackiest forum for free expression imaginable just 24 hours before Election Day.

If we appreciate it as much as we should, maybe we'll get more out of Halloween than just a hangover.

Contact Meg Austin at margarea@email.unc.edu.