The original “Conan the Barbarian” was never meant to be a complex film, and its titular main character was little more than a brute spewing one-liners. For whatever reason, director Marcus Nispel decided the best way to improve an already bare-bones movie was to make it somehow dumber and more basic.
Conan (Jason Momoa) is a member of the barbaric Cimmerian tribe who witnesses the slaughter of his father (Ron Perlman) and his entire village at the hands of bloodthirsty generic warlord Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang). From there, Conan sets out to get his revenge and save the world with nothing more than his sword and the occasional disposable secondary character.
The film’s biggest flaw is Conan himself. Taking the role made famous by Arnold Schwarzenegger is admittedly difficult, but Momoa does little more than serve as a sentient piece of meat that makes guttural noises and stabs people. One character notes Conan has “the heart of a king” — that may be true, but he has the vocabulary of a brain trauma victim.
The supporting cast suffers from characterization that is either broad or inane. Despite being a nun, nominal love interest Tamara (Rachel Nichols) has more inexplicable combat skills than the hobbits from “The Lord of the Rings.”
Unfortunately, the battle sequences that should redeem the movie fall well short of doing so. They’re dark and clumsily edited, and filled with CGI blood and screaming men. In fact, so much of the movie contains pained, grunting, burly, leather-clad men that it might qualify better as an S&M film rather than an action flick.
Attempts to update venerable classics often fail, but few do so in such epic proportions as “Conan the Barbarian.” Despite all the hacking, slashing, and pillaging, the movie’s most barbaric act might be making the audience suffer through it.
