Following up on my records request

Dear UNC Public Records Office,

Thank you for your prompt response to my records request of Sept. 1. To be frank, I was surprised to get a response at all, as I was unsure whether or not Chancellor Holden Thorp actually keeps a dream diary.

It has been many years since I was a certified dream analyst, after an unfortunate misinterpretation I made for the athletics department, which led to the hiring of Matt Doherty as head basketball coach.

But let’s keep the past the past. I was trained by someone who once met Sigmund Freud, and look forward to applying my (former) expertise to the nightly neuron firings in Thorp’s subconscious.

I believe interpreting these dreams for the University community is important for the insight it will give into the administration’s decision-making process. Before I draw any conclusions, however, there a few points I would like to clarify. These points may seem frivolous, but I believe they are vital to an accurate reading of Thorp’s subconscious.

? Thorp transcribes a conversation he dreamt on April 2 between himself and Star Trek’s Spock. Is it possible to have this conversation transcribed into English from the original Vulcan?

? In the entry for April 14, why has the name of the Jersey Shore character Thorp most identifies with been redacted?

? Thorp writes of an extended dream he had on April 23 that consisted of an unnamed student trying to convince him for an exam exemption. Is Thorp concerned about the possibility of inception, and has he taken any steps to protect his subconscious from corporate espionage or slacker students?

? Thorp’s May 5 dream about fellow UNC administrators looks to be a textbook case of moustache envy. Does Thorp shave regularly? At what rate, on average, does his facial hair grow?

? In the June 1 dream during which Thorp participates in sorority rush, which three chapters did he express interest in on his preference card?

? Thorp’s accounts of his recurring nightmare about public speaking do not specify if he is in his underwear, or completely naked.

? In the June 13 dream in which Thorp joins the Irish rock band U2, it is unclear whether he becomes a fifth member of the group or replaces Bono entirely.

? A dream Thorp recorded having on June 21 closely mirrors the plot of the 2001 Owen Wilson film “Behind Enemy Lines.” Is Thorp a fan of this film, or is this a coincidence? Has he seen the film’s two direct-to-video sequels? (If not, I have copies of both, and Thorp is more than welcome to join me for a double feature if he brings kettle corn.)

? On the night of August 23, Thorp dreamed he ate dinner in Lenoir Hall. Does Thorp consider this a dream or a nightmare?

Your prompt response to these questions would again be most appreciated. And, while I’m thinking of it, I’d like to request the original copies of Thorp’s diary as well — a lot can be divined from the chancellor’s handwriting that the UNC community deserves to know.