“Colombiana” opens to the strains of “Ave Maria,” a surprisingly serious tone for a movie written by Luc Besson (“The Fifth Element,” “The Professional”). Then someone racks a shotgun and the rooftop parkour chase sequence begins and we’re back to the basics.
When nine-year-old Cataleya (Zoe Saldana) witnesses the murder of her parents at the hands of a ruthless crime boss, she vows to become an assassin and one day avenge their deaths. Fifteen improbable years later, she’s now a skilled killer who takes out targets with plans high in style, but low in sense. Cataleya spends so much time with her elaborate infiltration plans that her main form of travel seems to be crawling through air ducts.
“Colombiana” is at its best when it embraces the low-rent antics of its sexy star, allowing for moments of campy delights. In one scene, a nine-year-old brutally stabs a man, while another features a random shooting in broad daylight, followed by the perpetrator simply moseying away as the police arrive.
The film gets bogged down in a lifeless romantic subplot that serves as little more than an outlet for some PG-13 T&A, while doing nothing to develop Cataleya’s emotions. While a little skin is often a prerequisite for this kind of flick, it derails momentum.
“Colombiana” is unabashedly as empty as Cataleya’s many spent clips. Despite an overwhelming amount of firepower, it just never quite hits the mark.
