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Last week, a newly discovered 4th century shred of paper quotes Jesus as having a wife, prompting strong skepticism from the Vatican and inciting furious nuns everywhere to burn his stuff in the front yard.

The story is, Christ met Mary Magdalene, a prostitute, and fell in love despite her vocation. Think of it like “Pretty Woman,” but with Jesus and a much worse soundtrack.

The wedding was low-key — Stone Pontious Pilots played, and the dinner choice was fish or 4,000 loaves of bread — but the revelation itself has been anything but.

The Church’s reaction has me confused — am I supposed to be against straight marriage now? And if Jesus was Father, Son and Holy Spirit, doesn’t this make him a polygamist?

Maybe the Church is worried about his image. I mean, if you take the life this guy lived and throw in a family, suddenly he looks less like a deity and more like, well, a deadbeat…

Dream-like waves and hypnotic music fade into…

Nazareth. Studio apartment. Jesus, Mary M. and the kids eat silently — tension in the air.

M: (mock cheer) Guess what came in the mail today, children? The bill from Daddy going berserk and striking the taxman — isn’t that wonderful? You won’t have to go to college now! In fact, this will probably be our last supper!

J: (sigh) I’ll pick up more gigs…

M: Oh, great! (Fake phone call, dopey voice.) “Hello! Sure, I’ll play The Mount for free! Do you have a stable? Because I like to ride into town on an ASS!”

J: (Trying to stay calm.) “Blessed are the poor in spirit…”

M: Yeah, in spirit! In reality, we’ve got black mold.

J: You knew what you were getting into marrying the Son of God!

M: I thought you’d grow out of it!

J: (Getting up.) I’m going out for a prayer.

M: Sure! Go to your lepers! That’s all you’re good for!

J: SPARE ME the saint routine! When I found you on your knees, you weren’t prayin’ either, babe!

M: At least that paid BILLS!

J: Kids, I’m going for a walk — (to Mary) on WATER!

M: When he walks a dirty dish to a sink, I’ll be impressed!

And, scene.

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But how can we ever really know the truth? The Bible’s had sections rearranged, entire portions dropped out, and is written by mostly unknown sources — which, as far as historical resources go, makes it slightly less reliable than Wikipedia.

So what’s the difference? Why not let Jesus have a wife?

Maybe now, priests will get wives, too — well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

I’m sure we’ll get to the truth eventually. What’s the rush when you have an eternity?

If nothing else, we could all use a celebrity marriage that lasts.

Memet Walker is a columnist from the Daily Tar Heel. He is a junior political science major from Chapel Hill. Contact him at