Tales from the campus crypt

I’m an Edgar Allan Poe fan. I’ve seen all his movies.

But why is everything so repetitive now? “Silent House,” “House on Haunted Hill,” “Last House on the Left,” “House at the End of the Street,” “Third House After the Roundabout with the Cat Mailbox: This Time It’s Personal…”

And have you noticed lately how many of them are “based on actual events” now? It has me wondering: How do producers find this many true stories awful enough to keep people like me satisfied?

Well, just in time for Halloween, I’m breaking some big news: Chapel Hill is going Hollywood. I’ve uncovered some upcoming, green-lighted horror projects, based on events right here in town.

Crazy, I know. When you think about it, though, this place has been a little scary lately. Here are nine spine-tingling films on the way to prove it:

1. “I Know Who You Bid Last Summer” — The lives of 10 fraternity brothers are shaken forever after a vicious hazing incident gets out of control, leaving a young pledge covered in spaghetti noodles. Tagline: They thought no one would tell. They thought he was dead. But revenge is a dish best served with garlic knots…

2. “Throw Momma from the Private Plane” — Taylor Hansburrow must keep his mother from jail before the big game — but he’s about to find out that family is a full contact sport.

The poster has the hilariously exasperated-looking basketball star standing at an airport next to Mom, who’s holding a UNC credit card and winking.

3. “No Country for Old Physics Professors” — After being charged and jailed in Argentina for smuggling cocaine through airport security, a brilliant scientist must quickly discover the equation for not becoming his cell mate’s girlfriend.

4. “The Children of the Acorn” — A deranged group of college students becomes convinced a pet squirrel can talk — and it won’t stop killing until they harvest enough peanut butter and Crystal Light tea to last through the long winter.

5. “The Butch Ultimatum” — A promising young football player has a tough choice to make after sinister administrators help convince him to cheat. But will he expose the truth, even if it risks his career? (Spoiler: Nope.)

6. “Drag Me to Hell 2” — A woman is trapped in a Davis Library elevator with two Mormons, a Save the Children worker and Greenpeace volunteer.

7. “The Witch Doctor” — Deranged sociopath and African Studies professor Nyang’orah-ting-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang thought he was getting the job of a lifetime — no rules, no work and a big pension no matter what. He was right.

8. “The Problems with Being a Wallflower” — The Holden Thorp story.

9. “Type Y for You Suck” — A DTH columnist comes face-to-face with his unmasked commenters … Nah, that’s too scary.