While my nose gently seeps

Memet: My guest today is a hilarious, infectious virus who can be seen this fall on campus and in my upper respiratory tract. He may have no cure, but he needs no introduction — ladies and gentleman, Common Cold! (Applause.)

Cold: Thanks for having me. (Audience laughs.)

Memet: Been awhile — Where have you been?

Cold: I’ve been spending a lot more time with my family. We’re building a new house and also an immunization to antibiotics, which has been great.

Memet: I have to say, you look like full-blown Bronchitis.

Cold: Well, the good news is, your symptoms will be gone in seven to 10 days. The bad news is, I’ve seen your university’s health care plan, and so will you. (Audience laughs, hacks violently.)

Memet: You know, I’ve known you 25 years now, we’ve spent a lot of time together growing up, and I realized I have no idea where you came from. Tell me about your family.

Cold: (tearing up) I never knew them…

Memet: Well, we have a little surprise for you today, because we have a special guest — your parents.

Cold: What?

Memet: Ladies and gentleman, you know them from such hits as coming to the office with a fever and coughing without covering your mouth, say hello to my coworkers and classmates!

Audience boos, tests positive for TB.)

Coworkers and classmates: (enter wiping noses with hands) Yeah, yeah, whatever! Shuddup.

Memet: Wow, there’s a lot of you.

Head classmate: Let me speak for the group. Wash my hands? (Incredulously) Excuse me, but some of us have six classes and places to be! I’m a man on the move. Sure, I “could” wash my hands after using the bathroom. I suppose you expect me to “shower” and “chew” my “food,” too. But that would be taking the road most traveled — and I walk to my own, horribly disease-ridden beat.

Memet: We have some callers. Go ahead, please.

Caller 1: Yes, this is your professor. Listen, I’m violently ill, and the doctor’s say it’s contagious, so I will be coming into class today. If the worst should happen, tell my family you’re all still responsible for the readings I didn’t get to on the syll—
Memet: Bad line, next caller.

Caller 2: Yeah, is this where I leave a kvetch?

Memet: Just forget it. (Audience grabs throats, falls over backwards.) Let me ask before you go, should I be coughing up this much blood?

Cold: That’s actually just your smok—

Memet: (Leaps across desk, covers Cold’s mouth.) That’s great, heh heh! Well, who knows if this is the illness speaking or just the entire bottle of Robitussin I drank, but I just want to say, I love you, man.

Cold: You don’t look so good.

Memet: Now I should probably go, because my bottle of Robitussin actually is speaking.

Pegasus: (flying past) Helloooo…

Memet Walker is a columnist from the Daily Tar Heel. He is a junior political science major from Chapel Hill. Contact him at memet@unc.edu.