Quickhits for Feb. 7, 2013

Portal to nowhere

Friday, Chancellor Thorp will unveil a new “portal” between UNC and Duke. Before you get excited, no, UNC hasn’t mastered the time-space continuum and built an actual portal. Instead, we have mastered the art of installing expensive, needless flat screens that contribute nothing of value. Edifice complex!

I’m still mad

Seriously, no one is going to use the damn “portal” for anything constructive. What possible need could anyone have to look into Duke’s Bryan Center for anything but good ol’ fashioned dicking around. The money used to pay for this could have been spent better on literally anything else. Literally.

We’re not alone…

UFO sightings have been on the uptick lately. Thankfully, we’re protected from potentially unfriendly E.T.s by some wonderful skywatchers in Carrboro — when they’re not peeing on their compost piles, that is. The aliens must be drawn here by the out-of-this-world food at COSMIC Cantina! (HA! PUNS!)

McAdon’t

James Michael McAdoo found himself in a Twitter beef Wednesday with CAA presidential candidate Stefon Walters. After McAdoo endorsed Walters’ opponent and called Walters a “bum,” Walters challenged McAdoo to “settle this in person,” imploring JMM to “go hit the gym.” This can only end well.

McAdon’t II

In an interview with New York Times columnist Joe Nocera, former UNC football player and academic fraud Michael McAdoo claimed his academic adviser placed him in AFAM classes even though he wanted to be a criminal justice major. Maybe because we don’t HAVE a criminal justice major, genius.

I Dream of Justice

A Russian judge was fired from his position earlier this week, after he fell asleep in court and then sentenced the defendant to five years in prison. Stuff like this is why we won the Cold War. Seriously, how corrupt and inept do you have to be to get fired from a government job in RUSSIA?!